• HealBridge

A woman moves into a compound to get away from somebody. Everything has been arranged — the lawyer, the school, the order from the court. Then a man arrives at the gate, says he is her husband and that there is an emergency, and somebody lets him in.

That is how it fails, and it fails at the gate more often than anywhere else. The person standing there is usually the last line and almost never told.

This is written for gatemen, security staff, estate managers and caretakers, and it is short on purpose.

The one rule

Do not confirm that anybody lives here, and do not let anybody in who is not expected.

Not that she lives here. Not which flat. Not whether she is in. Not when she usually returns. Not whether she has children. Not whether she came home last night.

“I do not give out information about residents” is the whole answer. It does not need a reason and it works for everybody — deliveries, visitors, and people who should not be there.

If someone is expected, the resident tells you in advance. If they were not expected, you call the resident and let them decide. You never decide.

What you will be told at the gate

People who want in are good at this, and it is worth knowing the usual approaches so they are not persuasive when they arrive.

• “I am her husband.” Sometimes true, and it changes nothing.
• “There is an emergency. Her mother is in hospital.” Designed to make refusing feel cruel.
• “I only want to drop something for the children.”
• “I have come for my property.”
• “She is expecting me — call her, she will tell you.” He wants you to call so he knows she is there.
• “I am from the church.” Or a bank, or the school.
• Money offered. Sometimes a great deal, sometimes over weeks.
• Friendliness over time, building up to a small favour.
• Anger, shouting, threats.
• Sending somebody else — a woman, an older relative, a child. This is the one that most often works.

None of these changes the answer. A person who genuinely needs to reach a resident can be announced and admitted by that resident.

The specific traps

Being asked to confirm rather than admit. “I do not need to come in, just tell me if she is here.” That is the whole objective. Confirming she lives there is the information he came for, and letting him in is not necessary.

Being asked by somebody official-sounding. Anybody genuinely entitled to information can obtain it through the estate manager or the landlord in writing. Take a name and a number and pass it on.

Being watched. Somebody parked nearby, walking past repeatedly, or asking questions of other staff. Write down the date, the time, the vehicle and what was said. That log is frequently the clearest evidence a court sees, because you are independent and have nothing to gain.

Children. Nobody collects a child unless the resident has said so in advance. Not a relative, not somebody with the right name, not somebody the child recognises.

If he will not leave

1. Do not go outside to him, and do not open the gate to discuss it.
2. Tell the resident immediately, so she is not walking into it.
3. Call the police if he is threatening or will not go.
4. Do not confront him and do not let it become a fight. You are not paid to be hurt.
5. Write it down the same day: date, time, description, vehicle, what was said.
6. Tell the estate manager or landlord.

For estate managers and landlords

A few arrangements make all of the above workable.

• Brief every shift, including night and relief staff. The gap is almost always the person covering, who was never told.
• Make it a written instruction, not a favour to one resident. “We do not confirm resident information” as a standing policy protects staff from being blamed and removes the judgement call.
• Keep resident details off shared lists and out of group messages.
• Let residents change locks without a fuss, and know who else holds keys.
• Give staff somewhere to log incidents, and read it.
• Where there is a court order, take a copy and make sure every shift knows the name.
• Do not tell staff why. They need the instruction, not the woman’s history.

The article written for landlords covers the wider position, including guarantors and why housing is where leaving most often fails.

If you hear something

Gate and security staff hear a great deal, and it is worth knowing what helps.

Making your presence known interrupts more incidents than anything else. Walking past, putting a light on, knocking to ask an ordinary question. You do not have to intervene and you should not go in.

If it is serious — sustained screaming, a weapon mentioned, a child in danger, or sudden complete silence after something bad — call 112. Give the address first and say it twice. You do not have to give your name.

What neighbours can do applies to you as much as to residents.

Why this matters

Most of the safety arrangements a woman makes are undone by one person giving one piece of information to somebody who sounded reasonable.

The people who work at gates are rarely trained, rarely briefed and frequently blamed afterwards. A standing rule that nobody discusses residents removes the pressure entirely — you are not refusing anybody, you are following an instruction, and that is a far easier position to hold at two in the morning.

Questions people ask

If you need help now

If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, email us at hello@healbridge.org, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.