She tells you he threw her phone at the wall, that he does not let her see her sister, that she has to account for every naira. And then she tells you every marriage has its problems, that he is under pressure, and that she should not have provoked him.
The instinct is to correct her. To say the word, list the evidence, and make her see it. That almost never works, and it usually costs you the conversation.
Why she does not use the word
Not because she is unintelligent or in denial in any simple sense. Several reasons, all rational.
What she has seen is worse. A neighbour hospitalised, an aunt whose husband broke her arm. Against that, what is happening to her does not qualify, because the picture she has of abuse is an extreme one.
The word carries consequences. Naming it means she is a woman being abused, which means something has to happen — leaving, police, a family war, children losing their father. Not naming it keeps the situation manageable.
It implicates him completely. Saying “abuse” makes him an abuser, and she may love him, may see the good version regularly, and may be married to somebody the whole community respects.
She has been given another explanation. His childhood, his job, his health, her own behaviour. Frequently by him, often by his family, sometimes by hers.
Nobody around her calls it that. Where everybody describes it as an ordinary marriage having difficulty, being the only person using a different word is a lonely position.
Why arguing about it fails
Three things happen when you insist on the label.
She defends him, because most people defend a partner under attack, and in defending him she rehearses the case for staying — out loud, to you, which strengthens it.
She stops telling you things, because she now knows what you will say and does not have the energy for it.
And you become one more person telling her what her life is, which is the thing she is already getting at home.
The word is not the point anyway. Whether she calls it abuse changes nothing about her safety. What changes her safety is having documents out of the house, money of her own, one person she can call, and a plan.
What to do instead
Talk about specific things, not categories. Not “this is abuse” but “you were frightened when he did that”. Individual events are much harder to argue with than a label, and they do not require her to accept a whole framework.
Ask questions rather than making statements. “What happens if you say no to him?” “When did you last see your sister?” “Do you have any money he does not know about?” Questions let her reach conclusions herself, and conclusions she reaches herself survive.
Reflect back what she tells you. “So you have to ask before you go out.” Said neutrally, without a verdict attached. Hearing her own account repeated plainly is frequently the thing that shifts something, and it takes months rather than minutes.
Take the practical route. This is the most useful part. Almost everything protective can be done without the word being used at all: holding her documents, keeping a bag, being the person she calls, agreeing a signal, letting her use your address. None of it requires her to define anything.
Do not compete with his explanation. You do not need to prove his childhood is not the reason. Just keep returning to what is actually happening and how she is.
The sentences that close a conversation are worth reading, because several are the natural response here.
The one question worth asking
If there is a single thing to ask, it is not whether she thinks it is abuse.
It is: “Are you afraid of him?”
That question bypasses the whole argument. It does not require her to characterise him, judge the marriage, or accept a label. It asks about her own experience, which she is the authority on.
A great many women who will not use the word will answer that one honestly, sometimes for the first time. Ask it once, quietly, and then be quiet.
Leave the information where she can find it
Not as a challenge and not with an announcement. A page she can read on her own, without anybody watching her react.
The article written for exactly this does not open by telling anybody what their marriage is. Women frequently read something like that alone, weeks after somebody mentioned it, and that is how the shift usually happens rather than in a conversation.
Be careful about how you send it. If her phone is checked, a link is a risk — mention that it exists rather than sending it, or tell her where to look on a device he does not see. Covering her tracks matters here.
When to be more direct
Most of the time patience is right. Some things justify saying something plainly, once.
Where there has been pressure on her neck, a threat to kill, a weapon, violence during pregnancy, or violence towards the children — say it directly. Not “this is abuse”, but the specific risk: that hands on the neck is the thing everybody in this field treats as the most serious warning there is, and that you would like her to talk to somebody.
Say it once, without a verdict on the marriage, and leave it there.
Accepting the pace
This is measured in years, and helpers who cannot tolerate that tend to leave before it matters.
Women typically move from “it is fine” to “it is difficult” to “he has a problem” to “I am not safe” over a long period, with movement in both directions. Your job is to still be reachable when she arrives at the last one, not to get her there faster.
Sustaining that is a real subject, and the point where most helpers give up is worth reading in advance.
Questions people ask
Should I tell her it is abuse?
Usually not. She will defend him, rehearse the case for staying out loud, and tell you less afterwards. The label changes nothing about her safety; documents, money and one person she can call do.
What is the single most useful question?
“Are you afraid of him?” It bypasses the whole argument because it asks about her experience rather than requiring her to characterise him or judge the marriage. Ask once, quietly, then be quiet.
She blames herself. How do I answer that?
Do not argue the general point. Stay with the specific: “you were frightened when he did that”. Individual events are much harder to dispute than a category and do not require her to accept a framework.
Can I help if she will not admit anything?
Yes, and this is the important part. Holding her documents, keeping a bag, being the person she calls, agreeing a signal, lending your address — none of it requires her to define anything.
Is there ever a time to be blunt?
Yes. Pressure on her neck, a threat to kill, a weapon, violence in pregnancy or towards the children. Say the specific risk once, without a verdict on the marriage, and leave it there.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, email us at hello@healbridge.org, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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