The problem this solves is narrow and very common. Something is happening, or about to happen, and you can make a call — but you cannot say anything that sounds like asking for help, because he is in the room, or because he will see the phone afterwards.
A code word is one ordinary sentence that means something specific to one other person. It takes five minutes to set up and it is the only part of a safety plan that works while you are being watched.
Making it work
It has to be ordinary. Something you could plausibly say in any conversation. “Did Mama’s parcel arrive?” “Is the tailor open on Saturday?” “I forgot to buy the small bag of rice.” Nothing dramatic, nothing that would make somebody listening look up.
It has to be unlikely by accident. “Are you at home?” is too common and will be triggered by mistake, which trains everybody to ignore it. A parcel from a person who does not send parcels is about the right level.
It has to survive being overheard. Assume he hears it. Assume he reads the message later. Nothing about the word should mean anything to anybody except the person you gave it to.
Write it down for them. Not for you. People forget an arrangement made once, eighteen months ago, at exactly the moment it is used, and the sentence has to produce action rather than a puzzled pause.
One instruction, not a discussion
This is the part that fails, and it fails the same way every time. The word gets used, and the person on the other end says “what do you mean?” or “are you alright?” — which is the one response that makes things worse, because now you have to explain, in front of him.
So the arrangement is not a word. It is a word attached to one instruction, agreed in advance, that they carry out without asking anything.
Pick the instruction that fits your situation.
- Call the police and give them this address. Say what you know and that you cannot be called back.
- Come to the house and knock, with an ordinary reason. Borrow something, return something, deliver something. Do not mention the word.
- Ring back in ten minutes with an ordinary reason to speak to me, and keep ringing.
- Fetch the children from school and keep them until I call you.
- Do nothing but stay awake and answer if I call again. Sometimes the whole value is knowing somebody is there.
One instruction each, and different people can have different ones. What must not happen is a plan with steps, because nobody executes steps under those conditions.
Who to give it to
Two or three people, and choose for reliability rather than for closeness.
The best candidates are usually a neighbour who is at home most evenings, somebody at work, and one relative or friend outside the family circle he moves in. The obvious person — your sister, your closest friend — is also the person he will call first if you disappear, and the person he watches.
Ask two questions before you choose anybody. Do they actually answer their phone. And can they keep a thing to themselves, including from their own spouse, and including when they think telling somebody would help.
That second one rules more people out than the first, and being honest about it is not disloyalty. What a helper is being asked to do is worth sending to whoever you pick.
A second word for a different meaning
Some women find two more useful than one. A quiet word that means come and interrupt this, and an urgent one that means call the police now.
Do not go beyond two. Systems with several levels are not remembered by anybody, least of all in the middle of the night.
The children’s version
Children can have one too, and theirs works in reverse: a word from you that means go now, to the named place, and do not come back until I fetch you.
It should be a word that will never be said by accident, practised twice so that it produces movement rather than questions, and never explained in a way that frightens them. Told as an arrangement rather than as a warning, most children handle it well. How to set that up without alarming them covers what to say.
Do not give children the job of calling anybody in the middle of an incident beyond 112, and do not make them responsible for the plan.
Practical points that matter
- Test it once. Send the word, see whether the instruction happens. An untested arrangement is a hope rather than a plan.
- Check the phone afterwards. If a sent message would be read, make it something you could account for.
- Have a non-phone version. A light left on, a curtain drawn a particular way, a chair moved outside the gate. It works when the phone is taken, which is the situation it is most needed in.
- Refresh it. People move and numbers change. Once a year is enough.
- Say the address out loud to them once. Surprisingly few people can give a neighbour’s address accurately to an emergency operator under pressure.
If you have nobody to give it to
That is a common position and it is usually the result of the isolation rather than a fact about your life. It is also the thing most worth fixing, because everything else in a safety plan depends on there being one person.
Start with proximity rather than intimacy. A neighbour, a colleague, a shop owner, a woman at your place of worship. It does not need to be a friendship and they do not need to know very much. Someone who will knock on a door is enough.
If there is genuinely nobody, that is worth telling us, because it changes what a plan should look like and it is one of the things we can help with.
Questions people ask
What makes a good code word?
Something ordinary enough to say in front of anybody, unlikely enough that it will not be triggered by accident, and meaningless to anyone who overhears it. A parcel from someone who never sends parcels is about right.
How many people should have it?
Two or three, chosen for reliability rather than closeness. The obvious person is the one he watches and the one he will call first.
What if they ask what I mean?
That is the failure this is designed to prevent, which is why the word has to be attached to one instruction they carry out without asking. Write the instruction down for them.
Should my children have one?
Yes, and theirs runs the other way: a word from you that means go to the named place now. Practise it twice, keep it as an arrangement rather than a warning, and never make them responsible for the plan.
I have nobody to give it to. What now?
Choose for proximity rather than intimacy — a neighbour, a colleague, a shop owner. They do not need to know much. If there is genuinely nobody, tell us, because it changes what your plan should look like.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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