Many women first experience violence while pregnant. For many others, pregnancy is when existing violence becomes more severe or changes character. Midwives and obstetricians know this pattern well. Most women do not, and discover it alone at a point when they are least able to act.
Why it happens then
Explanations vary and none of them is an excuse. Attention shifting away from him. Loss of control over your body, your appetite and your time. Money pressure arriving with the pregnancy. Jealousy of the baby, which sounds absurd until you meet it. Sometimes a pregnancy he did not want. Sometimes one he insisted on precisely because it would tie you to him.
What matters practically is that the timing is predictable, which means it can be planned for.
What it means medically
Violence in pregnancy is associated with miscarriage, premature birth, low birth weight, placental damage and injury to the mother. Blows are more often directed at the abdomen during pregnancy than at any other time, which is not a coincidence.
It also affects care indirectly and severely. Women who are being controlled book late, miss appointments, and are rarely alone at any of them. That means problems that would ordinarily be picked up early are found late or not at all.
Any blow to the abdomen needs to be seen the same day, every time, whether or not you can see a mark. So does any pressure to the neck. What is time critical and what to ask for is set out separately and is worth reading before you need it.
Your antenatal appointments are the opening
These are the most reliable opportunity you will have to speak to somebody alone, because the reasons for separating you are clinical and completely unremarkable. Nobody has to invent a pretext. A urine sample, a scan room that takes one person, a blood pressure check in a side room.
- You are entitled to be seen alone. If nobody offers, say directly that you would like to be seen without him. Any midwife will find a reason within seconds and none of them will be surprised.
- If you are asked whether anyone is hurting you, it is being asked of everybody. It is safe to answer, and the person asking has been trained for the answer yes.
- Never accept a family member as interpreter. Ask for a professional one.
- Say where correspondence may safely be sent, and ask for that to be recorded prominently. A letter arriving at the wrong address is one of the commonest ways women are exposed.
- Ask for anything you disclose to be written in your notes rather than remembered. Maternity notes are among the most useful contemporaneous records that exist.
The period after the birth
The first months are a period of raised risk. Sleeplessness, money pressure and a baby who cannot be reasoned with are a poor combination in a household that was already unsafe.
It is also the period when you have the most contact with health services of any time in your adult life, and that is worth using deliberately. Health visitors and clinic staff can see you regularly without it looking like anything at all.
If you are thinking about leaving
Being pregnant does not make you less able to leave, though it changes the practicalities and the timing.
Tell us you are pregnant when you contact us, because it changes what we arrange. Housing needs to be somewhere your care can continue from. Your maternity records should transfer rather than restart. Continuity of care matters more than people realise, and losing it is one of the genuine costs of moving that nobody warns women about.
If there are older children, Safety planning when you have children covers what to tell them and what not to ask of them. A safety plan made while you are still at home works whether you leave or stay.
The fear that stops women speaking
Many women say nothing because they believe that disclosing abuse will lead to the baby being taken.
Being a victim of abuse is not a reason to remove a baby. What professionals assess is whether the child is safe, and a mother who is taking steps to protect her child is evidence in her own favour rather than against her. Saying nothing, and being seen to be doing nothing, is the position that creates concern.
If you are worried about this specifically, say so out loud to the midwife. It is a common question and there is nothing improper about asking it.
Questions people ask
Will telling a midwife mean my baby is taken?
Being a victim of abuse is not a reason to remove a baby. Professionals assess whether the child is safe, and a mother taking steps to protect her child counts in her favour.
He was never violent before I was pregnant. Is that common?
Yes. Pregnancy is one of the commonest points for violence to begin.
He hit my stomach but I feel fine. Should I still be seen?
Yes, the same day, every time. Serious injury to the placenta can occur with no pain and no visible mark.
Can I change hospital without him knowing?
Usually yes, and your notes can be transferred. Ask the midwife where correspondence will be sent before anything is arranged.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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