Ask a woman in a customary marriage what stops her leaving and quite often it is not the beatings, the money or the children. It is that her father would have to find the bride price, and her family cannot raise it or will not.
This is one of the most powerful mechanisms in Nigerian family life and it is barely written about. It is worth understanding properly, because much of what women are told about it is not accurate.
What it is and what it is not
Bride price is what is given by the husband’s family to the wife’s family at a customary marriage. Depending on the community it may be money, goods, livestock, drinks, cloth or a combination, and it is usually accompanied by a list.
What it is not is a purchase. It does not make a woman property, it does not entitle anybody to treat her in any particular way, and it creates no right to her body, her labour or her earnings. Anybody who says otherwise is stating an opinion, not a legal position.
In many communities the return of bride price is treated as connected to dissolution of the marriage. That connection is real in customary practice, and it is the source of the pressure.
Who the demand is really aimed at
Here is the part worth seeing clearly. The refund is not asked of the woman. It is asked of her family, and usually of her father or her brothers.
That is what makes it so effective. It converts her decision into their financial problem, which means the pressure to stay comes from the people she would otherwise turn to. A woman who leaves is not just leaving a marriage, she is presenting her father with a bill.
The amount is also frequently disputed at exactly this point. Sums that were never paid are claimed. Gifts given over years are added. The list grows to include the wedding, the ceremony, and things given to her personally. A demand made in these circumstances is frequently an inflated one, and it is worth treating as a negotiating position rather than as a fixed debt.
What the law says
Be careful about generalisations here, because this is an area where custom, state law and the courts interact and the picture is genuinely mixed.
Some states have legislated to limit or regulate bride price demands. Courts have addressed excessive and exploitative demands where they have been asked to. And the broad principle applies that a custom contrary to natural justice, equity and good conscience is not to be enforced.
What is clear is that the position is not simply “she cannot leave until it is repaid”, which is what women are usually told. Whether the refund is a condition of dissolution in your community, what amount is properly claimable, and whether a court would enforce a particular demand are all questions with answers, and they are worth getting from a lawyer who works in your local Customary Court. How those courts work is set out separately.
What is clear regardless
Three things do not depend on any of the above, and they are the ones to hold onto.
Bride price does not license violence. An assault is a criminal offence whether or not anything was paid, and no amount of money changes that.
It does not decide the children. Custody is governed by the welfare of the child, not by who owes what. A man claiming the children because he paid bride price is making a claim that does not follow.
It does not prevent a protection order or a police complaint. Those are separate from family and financial questions entirely.
So the refund question may affect how and when a marriage is dissolved. It does not affect whether you can be protected today, and the two should not be allowed to become one conversation.
The safety problem this creates
Women are regularly sent back specifically so that a refund does not have to be found, and told to endure until things improve.
If that is happening to you, the useful move is to separate the two issues out loud. Safety now, money later. It is entirely possible to be somewhere safe while a family discussion about bride price continues for months, and it is dangerous to treat the financial question as something that must be settled before you can be safe.
What to do when your own family is the pressure deals with the wider version of this, because it is the most common reason women stay.
Practical steps
- Find out what was actually paid. Ask your own family, and ask for the list if there was one. A great many refund demands are for more than was ever given.
- Get whatever documentation exists. Receipts, the list, photographs, names of who was present. Where there is none, the amount becomes whatever the loudest person says it was.
- Do not agree an amount at a family meeting, and do not sign anything on the day. Take it away and get advice.
- Ask a lawyer whether the refund is a condition of dissolution in your community and in your state, rather than assuming it is.
- Keep safety separate. Deal with protection, the children and somewhere to stay without waiting for the money question to resolve.
- Talk to your family honestly about the sum. Families frequently discover that the real figure is manageable, or that most of what is claimed was never paid at all.
If your family cannot pay
This comes up often and it is worth saying that it is not the end of the matter.
The amount can be negotiated, and it usually is. It can sometimes be paid over time. It is sometimes waived where the marriage ended because of violence, particularly where the wife’s family stands firm and the community knows what happened. And in some cases, where dissolution has been granted, the refund becomes a separate civil matter rather than a barrier to the divorce.
What does not help is silence. A demand that is never discussed stays at its opening figure indefinitely, and the woman carries the consequence of it in the meantime.
What we can do
Legal advice from somebody who works in the right court, and somebody to attend a family meeting with you or your father so that the discussion is not one-sided.
We do not pay bride price refunds. That is a deliberate decision rather than a funding limit: paying it would set the price for every woman who came after, and it would confirm the idea that a woman’s freedom is something that has to be bought. What we can do is make sure the demand is tested rather than accepted, and that you are safe while it is argued about.
Questions people ask
Does bride price mean my husband owns me?
No. It creates no right to your body, your labour or your earnings, and it does not make violence lawful. Anybody saying otherwise is giving an opinion, not stating the legal position.
Must the bride price be refunded before I can divorce?
It is treated as connected to dissolution in many communities, and it is not the simple bar women are usually told it is. Whether it is a condition in your community, and what amount is properly claimable, are questions for a lawyer who works in your local Customary Court.
They are demanding far more than was paid. Is that normal?
Very. Sums never paid get claimed, gifts given over years get added, and the wedding costs get included. Treat the figure as an opening position and ask your own family what was actually given.
Does he get the children because he paid bride price?
No. Custody is decided on the welfare of the child. Who paid what to whom is a different question entirely.
Will you pay the refund for me?
No, and that is deliberate rather than a matter of funds. Paying it would set the price for every woman after you. We will get you legal advice, attend the family meeting, and keep you safe while it is argued about.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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