There is a consistent, slightly uncomfortable finding in this work: a woman who arrives alone is treated differently from a woman who arrives with somebody.
The complaint is taken more seriously. The questions are less dismissive. The file moves. It should not work that way, and it does, and there is no reason not to use it.
Where it makes the most difference
A police station. The single biggest difference. A woman alone is much more likely to be told this is a family matter and sent home. Somebody standing beside her, who is visibly paying attention and writing things down, changes the room.
A hospital or clinic. Someone to hold the paperwork, remember what was said, and make sure you are seen alone if you need to be.
A lawyer’s office. First appointments are dense and frightening and nobody retains half of it. A second person taking notes is worth a great deal.
Court. The whole day, including the waiting and the journey home. What to arrange before a court date covers this.
A family meeting. Where the pressure to sign or accept something happens, and where being alone is the point of the arrangement.
Bank, school, ministry offices. Anywhere you may be turned away by somebody who assumes you will not come back.
Who to take
Not necessarily the person closest to you. Choose for the job.
What actually helps: somebody calm, who will not argue with officials, who can write things down, who has a whole day free, and who will not repeat what they hear.
What does not help: somebody who will lose their temper at a counter, somebody who will take over and answer for you, and anybody connected to his family however sympathetic they seem.
An older woman is frequently the most effective choice at a police station, for reasons that are not particularly admirable but are consistent.
Somebody from an organisation is different again, because they know the process, they are known locally, and their presence signals that the matter is being followed. That is one of the plainest things we provide and it is among the most requested.
What they should actually do
The role is narrow, and briefing your supporter properly is what makes the difference between help and interference.
- Be present and attentive. Much of the effect is simply that somebody is watching.
- Write things down. Names, times, what was said, reference numbers, what was promised and by when. Do this openly.
- Ask the practical questions you will not think of: what is the next step, when, who do I contact, can I have that in writing.
- Hold the documents so nothing is lost.
- Not speak for you. This is the important one. The account must come from you, and a supporter who answers questions on your behalf damages your credibility later.
- Not argue. Escalating with an official makes things worse, and the note-taking does the work.
- Step outside when asked. Some conversations require you to be alone, particularly clinical ones, and that is proper.
Send them the article on helping beforehand if you can.
What to say when you arrive
You do not need permission for somebody to accompany you, and it is easier if it is stated plainly rather than left ambiguous.
“This is my sister. She is with me.” That is usually the whole conversation.
If somebody objects, ask why, and ask for their name. Objections tend to evaporate at that point. In a medical setting there may be a legitimate reason for part of a consultation to be private, and that is different from being told a supporter cannot be in the building.
When you should be alone
Worth knowing, because the reverse problem exists too.
Part of any medical consultation should happen with you alone, and a good clinician will arrange it. That is not about your supporter — it is a safeguard against the person accompanying somebody being the person harming them, which is common enough that it is now standard practice. Why clinicians are asked to do this explains it.
If you are ever accompanied by somebody you did not choose, and you cannot say so, telling a clinician in writing is the route. A note handed over takes two seconds and cannot be overheard.
If you have nobody
Common, and usually a consequence of the isolation rather than a fact about your life.
Options that work: somebody from an organisation, including us. A colleague — this is a specific, contained request that people say yes to more readily than you expect. A woman from your place of worship. A neighbour. And FIDA or the Legal Aid Council, who will sometimes send somebody with you as part of taking on a matter.
You do not need a friendship. You need a person who will sit in a room for two hours, and that is a much smaller ask than it feels like to make.
What we do
Send somebody. To a police station, a court, a clinic, a lawyer, a family meeting, or a ministry office.
It is unglamorous and it is one of the highest-value things we do, because it changes outcomes in a way that is disproportionate to the effort. If you are about to go somewhere alone and would rather not, ask — it is a normal request and it does not require you to be in one of our programmes.
Questions people ask
Am I allowed to take somebody with me?
Yes, to a police station, a lawyer, court, a bank or a family meeting. State it plainly on arrival — “this is my sister, she is with me” is usually the whole conversation.
Who is the best person to take?
Somebody calm who will not argue with officials, will not answer for you, has a whole day free, and will not repeat what they hear. Not necessarily the person closest to you.
What should they actually do?
Be present, write down names, times and reference numbers openly, ask what the next step is and when — and not speak for you. Your account has to come from you.
Why was I asked to see the doctor alone?
That is proper practice rather than suspicion of your supporter. Seeing patients alone for part of a consultation is a safeguard, because the person accompanying somebody is sometimes the person harming them.
I have nobody to bring. What then?
Ask us, or FIDA, or the Legal Aid Council. A colleague or a woman from your place of worship is also a smaller ask than it feels — you need somebody to sit in a room, not a friendship.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, email us at hello@healbridge.org, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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