Leaving a marriage in Nigeria is rarely a matter between two people. Within days there is a delegation, or a series of calls, or elders arriving at your parents’ house, and the process of bringing you back begins in earnest.
This is what to expect and how to handle it, on the assumption that you would rather not be at war with people you may be connected to for the rest of your life through your children.
What usually happens
The kind approach first. Often his mother or an aunt. Concerned, warm, entirely reasonable, and asking you to come and discuss it.
Then the delegation. Elders sent to your family, sometimes without telling you, to negotiate with your father or your brothers rather than with you.
Then the pressure through your own family. Which is much more effective, and is usually the point of the delegation.
Then the children. Requests to see them, gifts, and questions asked of them about where you live and who visits.
Then, sometimes, the turn. The same relatives who were warm become hostile once it is clear you are not returning, and the account shifts to one in which you abandoned him.
And the money. Bride price, property, what you took, what is owed. Frequently the real subject underneath everything else.
The relative who was genuinely kind
This is the hardest part and it is worth naming, because nobody prepares women for it.
Very often there is a sister-in-law, an aunt or a grandmother who was decent to you for years, who you were fond of, and who is now being used — sometimes knowingly, usually not — as the route to reach you.
Both things can be true. She can have loved you and still tell his family what you said, because she believes reconciliation is best for everybody and because her loyalty ultimately lies there. That is not a betrayal of the kind that requires a confrontation. It is the ordinary shape of a family.
What follows practically: you can keep the affection and stop sharing information. Warm, short, and nothing about where you live, what you are planning, or what your lawyer has said.
Practical rules
- One channel, and make it a person. Everything through your lawyer, or through one named relative of your own. Announce it once and hold it. This single decision removes most of the pressure, because it ends the negotiation with eleven people at once.
- Do not attend a family meeting alone, and do not attend one at all in the early weeks. If there is to be one, it happens with somebody on your side present and with nothing signed on the day.
- Never sign anything at such a meeting. An agreement signed under pressure can be produced later as proof that everything was settled.
- Do not explain. Reasons get argued with. “I am not discussing it” is complete and it holds better than any account you could give.
- Do not tell anybody where you live. Not one person. It travels, and it travels quickly.
- Do not use the children as messengers, and do not let them be used as ones.
- Keep it civil. Not for their sake — for yours. A war costs you years, and courts notice who has been reasonable.
What to say
Short, repeatable sentences work far better than explanations. Pick two and use them every time.
- “I am not discussing it, but thank you for calling.”
- “Anything about the marriage goes through my lawyer.”
- “I am not coming to a meeting.”
- “The children are fine. I will let you know about visits.”
- “I would rather not talk about that.”
Repetition works. People stop pushing when the answer does not change, and it usually takes about three attempts.
Contact with the children
Their grandparents and their aunts are their family, and in most cases that relationship is worth preserving. It also requires managing.
Where contact happens, keep it in a neutral place rather than at your home. Arrange it through one person. Set the time and the length in advance.
Then say, plainly and once, that you would rather they did not ask the children where you live or discuss the marriage with them. Most people comply when asked directly, and it gives you something to point at if it continues.
Expect the children to be questioned anyway, and expect it to be gentle and well meant. Do not question them about it in return — that turns them into a channel from both directions. Their reaction to all of this is a separate matter and it is normal for it to be difficult.
If there is a court order about contact, follow it exactly, and give a copy to anybody who needs one rather than describing it.
When it stops being pressure
There is a line between family pressure, which is difficult, and something that needs to be treated as a safety matter.
Repeated visits after being asked to stop. Turning up at your workplace or the children’s school. Threats, about the children or about money. Being followed. A relative appearing wherever you are. Somebody trying to take the children.
That is harassment regardless of who is doing it, and the law is written about persons rather than about spouses — a protection order can name several people. Write down each incident with the date and what was said. What to do about persistent pursuit applies, and it applies to relatives as much as to him.
Your own family in the middle
Often the delegation is aimed at them rather than at you, precisely because that works.
Tell your parents plainly what you have decided, and ask them for one specific thing: not to agree anything on your behalf. Many parents will negotiate in good faith believing they are helping, and a settlement reached between two families without you is very difficult to unpick afterwards.
How that pressure works is set out separately, and the article written for parents is worth sending them.
The long view
Most of this reduces substantially after the first few months, once it becomes clear you are not returning.
Some of these relationships survive. Grandparents who behave well often end up with a perfectly good relationship with the children and, eventually, a civil one with you. Others do not, and that is a genuine loss — women grieve losing a mother-in-law they were close to, and that grief is real even where leaving was right.
You are not obliged to hate them to justify having left.
Questions people ask
They keep calling. Do I have to answer?
No. Pick two short sentences and repeat them — “I am not discussing it” and “anything about the marriage goes through my lawyer”. People stop pushing when the answer does not change, usually after about three attempts.
His mother was always kind to me. Can I still talk to her?
Yes, and keep the affection while stopping the information. She can genuinely have loved you and still pass on what you say, because her loyalty lies there. That is the ordinary shape of a family rather than a betrayal.
Should I go to the family meeting?
Not alone and not in the early weeks. If one happens, take somebody on your side and sign nothing on the day — an agreement signed under pressure can be produced later as proof it was all settled.
They ask the children where we live. What do I do?
Say once, plainly, that you would rather they did not, and keep contact in a neutral place arranged through one person. Do not question the children about it afterwards, or they become a channel in both directions.
When does this become a legal matter?
Repeated visits after being asked to stop, turning up at work or school, threats, or being followed. That is harassment whoever does it, and a protection order can name several people at once.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, email us at hello@healbridge.org, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
Also worth reading: