Ask a woman why she has not left and money is the answer more often than fear. Not because fear is absent, but because fear has an answer and rent does not.
Financial abuse is deliberate and it is recognised in Nigerian law as economic abuse under the Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act. It is also the barrier that decides, more than any other single factor, whether a woman who leaves is able to stay away.
What it looks like
- All income goes into an account in his name and you receive an allowance.
- You must account for every naira, including money you earned yourself, while his spending is never discussed.
- He decides by force whether you work at all, or makes work impossible by refusing childcare or transport at the last moment.
- Loans and debts are taken in your name, sometimes without your knowledge.
- Your business capital is taken as needed and never repaid, so the business never grows past the point of dependence.
- School fees, medicine or food are withheld as punishment, so that the children become the mechanism.
- He arrives at your workplace often enough, or telephones often enough, that the job becomes difficult to keep.
- Money is given publicly and generously in front of family, so that everyone sees provision and nobody sees control.
That last pair is worth sitting with. A woman can look, to her own relatives, like the best provided for wife in the family and still be unable to buy a bus ticket without permission.
Why it works so well
Money converts directly into options. Without it there is no transport, no deposit, no lawyer, no school fees, and no way to feed children in the fortnight between leaving and the first payment of anything.
A woman with no money is not choosing between a bad marriage and a better life. She is choosing between a bad marriage and destitution for her children, and most mothers choose the marriage every single time.
Understanding that should change how you judge yourself. Staying because you cannot afford to go is not weakness, and it is not a failure of courage. It is arithmetic. The way out of it is not to become braver. It is to change the arithmetic, slowly, before anything else happens.
It is also why control over money so often sits alongside control over everything else. The wider pattern is usually visible once you look for it.
Starting to unpick it
Everything here should be done gradually. Small and invisible beats large and noticeable, every time.
Get your identity documents in order
This is the first step and the one most women skip. A bank account needs identification. Sorting out your national identification number is worth doing even if nothing else follows from it, and it does not require your husband’s knowledge or consent. If you are told at an enrolment centre that you need a letter from him, that is not a legal requirement and you can go to a different centre.
Open an account only you can see
At a bank he does not use, at a branch that is not near your home, with paper statements switched off and alerts going somewhere he cannot see. The practical detail is here, including what to do if you have none of the usual documents.
Put money in slowly
Change from shopping. A portion of anything you earn. Money from a relative who understands. Aim first for transport plus one night plus food for the children, because that is the amount that converts a crisis into a manageable evening. Everything after that is progress.
Photograph what exists
Account statements, property and land documents, loan papers, business records, receipts for anything substantial you paid for. You cannot claim a share of something you cannot describe, and a court dealing with property works from documents rather than from recollection.
Check for debt in your name
Loans taken in your name are legally your problem until you can show otherwise. Finding out early matters, because the amount grows and because the argument is much easier to make close to the event.
What the law offers
Maintenance for children is not conditional on who left or why. Matrimonial property can be dealt with by a court, and contributions that were not financial, such as running the home and raising children, can be taken into account.
A protection order can in some circumstances require him to continue paying for the home or for the children. None of this is quick and none of it works without somebody who knows the local court, which is why it is worth asking early rather than assuming you have no claim.
Work is the durable answer
Grants and emergency payments solve a fortnight. A job with a contract solves the year, and it is the only thing that removes the dependence rather than transferring it.
Many women coming out of these marriages have not worked for years, not by choice but because working was not permitted, and they arrive at an interview with a gap on the form and very little confidence. That is a solvable problem and it is one of our six programmes.
If he finds out
Have an answer ready that is boring and close enough to true. Money set aside for the children’s school. A contribution to a family obligation. This is not advice to lie for its own sake. It is recognising that discovery midway through is a real risk, and that the moment to think about it is now rather than then.
Questions people ask
He took a loan in my name. Am I responsible?
Legally the debt sits with the named borrower until you can show it was taken by fraud or coercion. Gather what you have and take advice quickly, because the argument is much easier to make early and the balance grows.
Can I get maintenance if I was the one who left?
Maintenance for children is not conditional on who left or why. Take advice on your own state and circumstances.
Do I need my husband to open a bank account?
No. An adult woman does not need a husband’s consent to open an account or to enrol for a national identity number. If you are told otherwise, try another branch or centre.
He gives me money whenever I ask. Is that still control?
It can be. Having to ask is the mechanism. The test is whether refusal is possible and what happens when the answer is no.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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