When we ask a woman what is keeping her where she is, the answer is very often her mother.
Not a husband’s threats, not money, not the police. Her own parents, telling her that every marriage has difficulty, that she should be patient, that leaving would shame the family, and that she should think of the children.
This is written for parents, without the assumption that you are the problem. Most of you are trying to protect your daughter and are using the advice you were given yourselves.
What your voice is worth
More than anybody else’s. Considerably more than ours.
A woman whose parents have said “come home, we will manage” is in a different situation the following morning from one whose parents said “go back and be patient”. It changes what is possible, and it frequently changes what happens over the next ten years.
That is worth knowing in both directions. It means the wrong sentence carries real weight, and it means the right one does too.
Why “be patient” is usually the advice
Because it worked, or appeared to, for the person giving it. Because a marriage that survives is a good outcome and difficulties do pass. Because the alternative — a daughter and grandchildren back in a house that is already full, with no money and no clear future — is genuinely frightening. Because of what people will say. Because of the bride price, which for many families is the practical fact underneath everything else. And because if she leaves, the question of whether the marriage was arranged well becomes a question about you.
None of those is a wicked motive. They are ordinary and they are why the advice is so consistent.
The difficulty is that “be patient” is advice for a marriage with problems. It is not advice for a marriage with fear in it, and the two look similar from outside while being entirely different to live in.
The distinction that matters
Every marriage has quarrels, and spouses being accountable to each other is normal. This is not about that, and nobody is suggesting your daughter should leave a marriage because it is difficult.
Three things mark the difference.
Force. Not disagreement — something enforced. She is made to account for money, made to stop seeing people, made to be somewhere.
One-sidedness. It runs one way only. He is not accountable to her in the way she is to him.
Fear. The one that settles it. Ask her whether she is afraid in her own house. Not unhappy, not tired — afraid. That question is very hard to answer with “every marriage is like this”.
What to say
“Whatever you decide, you can come home.” This is the sentence. It does not tell her to leave and it removes the thing that keeps most women in place, which is having nowhere to go. Say it plainly, and say it more than once, because she may not believe it the first time.
“I believe you.” Disclosure is almost always minimised. What she has told you is usually the smallest version she thought you would accept.
“You are not bringing shame on anybody.” Say it even if you are not entirely sure you believe it.
“What do you want?” Rather than telling her. Many women in this position have not been asked that question in years, by anybody.
“We will manage the bride price.” If it is a live issue, say it. It is frequently the actual obstacle, and it is usually smaller and more negotiable than anybody assumes.
What not to say
“Every marriage is like this.” “What did you do?” “Think of the children.” “You cannot come here with all these children.” “What will people say?” “Your father and I stayed.” “Pray about it.” “Let us call his parents and settle it.”
That last one is the most dangerous. Going to his family is the standard response and it very frequently results in her being punished for what was said. Do not do it without asking her first, and accept a no. The wider list is worth reading before the next conversation.
What actually helps
- A room, or the honest truth about a room. If you cannot house her indefinitely, say what you can do — two weeks, or the children, or help with rent. A specific small offer is worth more than a vague large one.
- Keep her documents. Certificates, the children’s papers, anything she cannot safely keep at home. Ask no questions about it.
- Money she does not have to account for. Small amounts, regularly, so that it does not have to be explained.
- Do not report back to his family. Anything she tells you stops with you.
- Grandchildren. Somewhere for them to go, and a school run covered, does more than almost anything else.
- Keep contact ordinary. Regular, unremarkable contact that he cannot object to is what keeps a line open.
If she stays
She may. Most women do, at least for a long time, and that is her decision to make.
What you should not do is withdraw as a result. The parent who says “then do not come to me again” removes the one exit that existed, and it is said far more often out of fear than out of anger.
Stay reachable, keep the offer alive without repeating it weekly, and understand that going back is a normal stage rather than a final answer. Women leave and return several times before it holds.
If she has already left
Then the useful things are practical. Do not tell anybody where she is, including relatives who ask kindly and including his family when they ring you, which they will. Do not pass messages between them. Do not organise a meeting to settle it.
And be ready for her to be difficult for a while. Women in the first year are exhausted, frightened and frequently angry with everybody, including the people helping. It passes.
One last thing
Some of you have realised, reading this, that you gave the other advice for years.
That is worth saying to her rather than carrying privately. “I told you to be patient. I was wrong, and you can come home” is a sentence that changes things, and daughters generally receive it far better than parents expect.
Questions people ask
How do I know it is not just an ordinary difficult marriage?
Ask whether she is afraid in her own house. Not unhappy or tired — afraid. Alongside that, look for whether things are enforced and whether it runs only one way.
What is the single most useful thing to say?
“Whatever you decide, you can come home.” It does not tell her to leave, and it removes the thing that keeps most women in place, which is having nowhere to go.
Should we speak to his parents?
Not without asking her first, and accept a no. It is the standard response and it frequently results in her being punished for what was said.
We cannot house her and her children. Are we failing her?
No. A specific small offer is worth more than a vague large one. Two weeks, or the grandchildren, or help with rent, honestly stated, is genuinely useful.
We told her to be patient for years. Is it too late?
No, and saying so directly is worth a great deal. “I was wrong, and you can come home” is received far better than most parents expect.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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