People who suspect something usually do one of two things. They say nothing for years, or they say leave him and are never told anything again.
There is a middle path, and it works considerably better than both.
Ask once, plainly, in private
Not are you alright, which invites yes. Something specific and low pressure that shows you have noticed a fact rather than formed a theory.
I noticed you stopped coming to things. Is everything alright at home. You can tell me if it is not.
Then stop talking. Let the silence sit, however uncomfortable it becomes. Most people fill a silence, and the thing they fill it with is usually the truth or the first edge of it.
If she says everything is fine, accept it without argument and say the one sentence that matters. If that ever changes, you can tell me, and I will not tell anyone.
Believe her
The first person told is very often the reason somebody eventually gets help, and disbelief at that moment can close the subject for years.
She has probably rehearsed being doubted. She may test you with a small version of the story first, to see what you do with it. If you respond to the small version with a question about whether she might have misread the situation, you will not get the large one.
Disclosure is almost never exaggerated. It is very frequently minimised.
Do not tell her to leave
She has thought about leaving more than you have. She has thought about it while you were asleep.
When you say leave him, what she hears is that you do not understand her situation, that you have not considered the money, the children, her family, his family, or what he said he would do. So she stops telling you things, because explaining is exhausting and being advised is worse.
Ask instead. What would help. What are you most worried about. Is there anything I can hold for you. Those questions treat her as the person in charge of her own life, which is precisely what is being taken from her at home.
Practical things that genuinely help
- Hold her documents. Copies of birth certificates and identity papers, kept at your house. It costs you nothing and removes the largest single obstacle to leaving quickly.
- Hold an emergency bag. Same principle, and it can sit in a wardrobe for three years without anybody minding.
- Be the address. Let her use your address for a bank account or a letter. An account of her own is often blocked by proof of address alone.
- Agree a code word. A phrase that means come now or call the police, ordinary enough to say in front of him.
- Keep inviting her. Even when she says no every time. The invitations are how she knows the door is still open, and they are also the thing he is trying to stop.
- Write things down. Dates, what you saw, what she told you and when. Your record can support hers later, and a witness who kept notes is unusually persuasive.
What to avoid
- Confronting him. It is dangerous for her and it tells him exactly who she has been talking to.
- Giving an ultimatum. If you do not leave I cannot keep doing this. She will choose the marriage and lose you, and you will have removed the only person she could call.
- Reporting on her behalf without her agreement, unless a child is at risk of serious harm.
- Telling other people. The story travelling back to him is the commonest way women are punished for asking for help. That includes telling one trusted person who tells one trusted person.
Help her make a plan rather than a decision
A decision is enormous and can be postponed indefinitely. A plan is small and can be made this week without committing to anything.
A safety plan covers where the safe room is, who she calls, what leaves the house early and what the children do. Offering to go through it with her is far more useful than offering an opinion about her marriage, and it is something she can accept without admitting anything.
When she goes back
Many women leave and return several times before it is final. It is the norm rather than a failure.
If you respond with I told you so, you are removed from the list of people she can call at midnight. If you respond with the door is still open, you keep the position that matters. The friend who is still there on the fourth attempt is very often the reason the fourth attempt works.
If her family is pushing her to stay
That is common, usually well meant, and it puts you in a difficult position if you are also part of that family. How that pressure works and what tends to shift it is covered separately.
Look after yourself
Supporting somebody through this is heavy, particularly when it goes on for years and particularly when nothing you suggest is taken up.
You are allowed to have limits. Set them on what you can do rather than on whether you remain reachable. I cannot lend you money again is a limit. Do not call me unless you are leaving is not.
You can also contact us yourself, on your own behalf, to ask what is reasonable to carry. People do this regularly and it is a legitimate reason to call.
Questions people ask
Should I call the police for her?
Generally not without her agreement, because it can escalate the danger and she loses control of her own situation. The exception is where a child is at risk of serious harm or somebody is in immediate danger, in which case call 112.
She keeps going back. Should I give up?
No. Returning is normal and often happens several times. The friend who is still there when she is finally ready is usually the reason it works.
Can I contact you on her behalf?
Yes. People do this often. We will tell you what is available and what we would suggest, without contacting her unless she wants us to.
What if I am wrong about it?
Then you asked somebody a kind question in private and she said she was fine. The cost of being wrong is very small.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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