Almost nothing is written for this, and it is one of the commonest situations there is. A woman leaves, and then the money runs out, or the room ends, or a child cannot lose another school term, and she has to go back.
Most services respond to this with silence or disappointment, which is why women stop telling them. So this page assumes the decision is made and deals with what actually helps.
First, the thing you have probably been told
That going back undoes it, that you have wasted everybody’s effort, that you will not be helped again.
None of that is true here. Most women who eventually leave for good have gone back at least once, and often more than that. Returning is a stage in the process rather than the end of it, and what you learned during the time away does not evaporate.
You will also be in a better position than the first time, because you now know what the practical obstacles actually are rather than guessing at them.
Be honest with yourself about why
Not as an examination — because the reason determines what to do next.
If it is money or housing, that is a solvable problem and it is the most common one. It is worth saying plainly to somebody, because a deposit, a guarantor or a job is a smaller thing than it feels like from inside.
If it is the children — a school, a threat about custody, or a child begging to go home — there are specific answers, and threats about custody are usually much weaker than they sound.
If it is that he has changed, then keep everything below anyway. Nothing is lost by keeping a plan that turns out to be unnecessary, and the good phase is genuinely convincing precisely because it is genuine at the time.
If it is fear of what he does while you are away, that is a serious reason and it is worth telling somebody, because that situation does not improve by itself.
If it is loneliness, that is the most common reason nobody admits to, and it is worth naming rather than dressing up as something else.
Before you go back
- Keep everything you set up. The account, the documents held elsewhere, the phone he does not know about, the person who has your spare key. Do not dismantle any of it as a gesture of good faith. This is the single most important line on the page.
- Tell one person you are going back, and arrange how you will stay in contact. Not to be talked out of it — so that somebody knows.
- Agree a check-in. A message on a set day. And agree what that person does if it stops.
- Keep the code word alive. One word, one instruction, with two people.
- Do not return the copies of your documents. Leave them where they are.
- Keep some money separate, however little. The fare out is the thing whose absence traps people.
- Write down the date you went back and keep the record going. The record matters more after a return than before one, because this period is often used later to argue that nothing was ever wrong.
The first weeks back
Expect a good period. It is normal, it is not proof of anything, and it is much easier to think clearly if you were expecting it.
Expect to be asked where you stayed, who helped you, what you told them, and what you were planning. You are not obliged to answer any of it. Vagueness is safer than a detailed account, and anybody who helped you should not be named — people who shelter women get punished for it.
Expect the question of what you took. Where documents or money are asked about, “I do not know” is a complete answer.
And expect an attempt to close the exits: a demand for the new phone, for account details, for the address where you stayed. That is the moment to hold the line quietly rather than to explain.
What to watch for
Some things change after a woman has left once, and they are worth knowing.
Surveillance usually increases. Phone checking, movements questioned, a tracker on the car. He now knows that leaving is possible, and the response is generally tighter control rather than less. What else can be watching is worth reading.
Isolation often deepens, particularly from whoever helped you.
And the risk does not reset to where it was. A man who has been left once frequently escalates at the next sign of it, which is why keeping the plan alive matters more the second time than the first.
If it happens again
You will not have to start from the beginning, and that is the practical value of everything above. The documents are already out. The account exists. Somebody already knows. The lawyer has already seen the file.
The second departure is usually faster and better organised than the first, and that is not a coincidence — it is because of what was kept.
What we do when somebody goes back
We keep holding your documents. We do not close your file with a note about non-engagement. We do not ask you to justify it, and nobody will be told that you went back.
You can still have a lawyer, still have school fees, still have counselling, still have an account. A great many of the women we work with are living with the person who harmed them, and the support is the same. The version of safety planning for women who are staying is the most-read page on this site for a reason.
And if you want to say out loud, to somebody who will not react badly, that you have gone back and you are frightened about it — that is a complete reason to ring.
For anybody helping
This is the moment most helpers give up, and it is the moment that matters most. What to do, and what not to say is written for you.
The short version: do not deliver a verdict, do not make future help conditional, keep whatever you are holding, and say one sentence — I am still here, ring me — and mean it.
Questions people ask
Will you still help me if I go back?
Yes. We keep holding your documents, your file is not closed with a note about non-engagement, and you can still have a lawyer, school fees, counselling and an account. Many of the women we work with live with the person who harmed them.
Should I give up the account and the phone to show good faith?
No. Keeping them is the single most important thing on this page. Nothing is lost by holding on to a plan you turn out not to need.
He is asking where I stayed and who helped me. What do I say?
You are not obliged to answer, and vagueness is safer than a detailed account. Do not name anybody — people who shelter women get punished for it.
Is it more dangerous the second time?
The risk does not reset. Surveillance usually tightens and a man who has been left once often escalates at the next sign of it, which is exactly why the plan should stay in place.
Does going back mean I failed?
No. Most women who eventually leave for good have gone back at least once, and what you learned while away does not disappear. The second departure is usually faster because of what was kept.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, email us at hello@healbridge.org, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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