A woman who has had every naira accounted for by somebody else for eleven years is suddenly responsible for all of it. Nobody teaches this, and the assumption that it is obvious is one of the reasons the first year goes badly for people who are doing everything else right.
It is a skill. It was deliberately withheld from you, which is the point of economic abuse, and it can be learned in a few weeks.
Why the first months feel so bad
Three things happen at once and they are worth naming so they do not feel like personal failure.
Everything is new. Prices you never saw, bills you never handled, decisions nobody used to consult you on. It is genuinely a lot of cognitive work while you are also exhausted.
There is a period of buying things. Almost every woman does it. Small purchases, for the children, for the house, sometimes for yourself. It looks like poor discipline and it is usually the first exercise of a freedom that was taken away. Expect it, budget a little for it, and it passes.
The fear is disproportionate. Having controlled nothing, the prospect of running out is frightening in a way that the actual numbers do not justify. That eases as soon as there is a written plan, which is most of what the method below is for.
The method
Do it on paper first. A phone app can come later and paper is easier to trust when you are learning.
One. Write down what comes in. Everything, and when it arrives. Salary, trade takings, help from family, maintenance. If it is irregular, use the lowest recent month rather than the average — planning on the good month is the most common mistake.
Two. Write down what must go out, in this order.
- Rent, or what you are saving towards it
- Food
- Transport to work and school
- School fees
- Medicine and health
- Debt repayments
- Everything else
The order matters because when there is not enough, and there will be months when there is not, you pay from the top down. Rent and transport to work come before almost everything, because losing either one costs far more than it saves.
Three. Separate the money physically. This is the single most effective thing on the page. Money that is all in one place gets spent. Split it the day it arrives — envelopes, tins, or separate accounts if your bank allows it.
Four. Put something away, however small. Even a tiny amount every week. The purpose at this stage is not the sum, it is establishing that saving is something that happens, and having anything at all changes how an emergency feels.
Five. Write down what you spend, for one month only. Not forever. One month tells you where it actually goes, which is never where anybody expects, and after that you can stop.
The rent problem specifically
Where rent is annual, monthly budgeting does not work on its own, and this is where women get caught out at the end of a year.
Divide the annual rent by twelve and treat that as a monthly bill you actually pay, into a separate place, from the first month. It is the least satisfying thing you will do with money and it is the thing that stops the year ending in a crisis.
What renting actually costs covers the fees people forget alongside the rent itself.
Ajo, esusu and cooperatives
Rotating savings arrangements are how a great many Nigerians actually save, and they work, particularly for someone who finds it hard to keep money untouched.
Two cautions. Choose the group carefully, because you are relying on people you may not know well and collectors do disappear. And think about who else is in it — a group containing his relatives is a group that reports on your money.
A workplace cooperative is usually the safest version, because deductions are at source and the organisation is accountable.
Debt and the people who lend
Be careful here, because women in this position are targeted.
The lending apps that offer money in minutes charge very heavily and some of them harass borrowers by messaging their entire contact list, which for a woman hiding an address is a serious safety problem rather than an embarrassment. Read what an app asks for access to before you install it.
If you already have debt: list every one with the amount and the interest, pay the most expensive first while paying the minimum on the rest, and talk to anybody you owe rather than avoiding them. Most lenders prefer a small regular payment to silence.
And check what is in your name that you did not create. Women leaving these marriages frequently discover loans, guarantees and cooperative liabilities taken out on the strength of their employment.
Keeping it yours
- An account he has never had access to, at a bank the family does not use. How to set one up covers the address and alert settings.
- No statements to any address he knows, and alerts to a number only you use.
- Do not tell relatives what you earn. It travels, and it becomes a claim.
- Be careful about lending to family. Refusing is hard and being the person with a job in a family that knows it is harder. A small amount given rather than lent damages less than a large amount lent and not repaid.
- Keep a little cash somewhere separate from the bank, for the night when an account is not accessible.
Teaching the children
They have watched money used as a weapon and they will have absorbed something from it. Older ones frequently worry about money in a way that is not theirs to carry.
What helps is being plainly reassuring rather than fully transparent. They should know there is enough for what matters and that it is being handled, and they should not be given the details or made a party to the decisions. Involving a twelve-year-old in the budget feels like honesty and lands as a burden.
What we can help with
Sitting down and doing the first version of the plan with somebody, which most people find far easier than doing it alone. Deposits and fees while income is starting. And an honest conversation about whether a trade, a job or training is the better route for your situation — the business route and the employment route suit different people and both are real.
Questions people ask
I keep buying things I do not need. What is wrong with me?
Nothing. Almost every woman does this in the first months and it is usually the first exercise of a freedom that was taken away rather than poor discipline. Budget a little for it and it passes.
How do I save for rent when it is a year at a time?
Divide it by twelve and pay that into a separate place every month as though it were a bill. It is the least satisfying habit on this page and it is the one that prevents a crisis at the end of the year.
Are ajo and esusu safe?
They work well for many people, and the risks are the group and the collector. A workplace cooperative with deductions at source is the safest version. Avoid any group containing his relatives.
Should I use a loan app?
Be very careful. They charge heavily and some harass borrowers by messaging every contact in the phone, which for a woman keeping an address private is a safety problem rather than an embarrassment.
My family keeps asking for money. What do I do?
Do not tell relatives what you earn, because it becomes a claim. Where you want to help, a small amount given rather than lent damages the relationship less than a large amount lent and never repaid.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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