This site is written for women, because that is who our programmes are built for and because the overwhelming majority of people we work with are women. Men are also abused, the ones who are get very little, and writing nothing at all would be a way of pretending otherwise.
So this page is short on programmes and honest about limits, and everything in the first half applies regardless of who you are.
The markers are the same
Force, one-sidedness, and fear. That is the test everywhere on this site and it does not change.
Being shouted at during an argument is not abuse. Being criticised is not abuse. A marriage where two people hold each other to account is a normal marriage. What is different is when it runs one way only, when it is enforced, and when you are afraid of what happens next.
Physical violence against men is real and is frequently dismissed on the basis that he is bigger. Size determines who wins a fight. It does not determine who is being controlled, and it says nothing about what happens when a weapon, hot water or a sleeping man is involved.
What it more often looks like
- Control of money. Wages taken, an allowance given back, debts run up in his name, being made to account for spending. Economic abuse is not sex-specific.
- Control of the children. Access used as a lever, contact cancelled as punishment, the children told things about him that are not true.
- Threats to report something false. An allegation to the police, to an employer, or to a professional body. This is used against men in the same way threats about custody are used against women, and it works for the same reason: the threat is never tested.
- Isolation. From friends, from family, from anybody who might say something.
- Being told nobody will believe him. Which is unfortunately close enough to true to be effective.
- Property, documents and phone controlled, exactly as in any other controlling relationship.
- Sexual coercion, which men report even less often than women do.
Where there is a pattern of monitoring, isolation and enforcement rather than a series of arguments, the coercive control article describes the mechanism, and none of it depends on who is who.
Why so few men report
Shame first, and it is a particular kind. Being controlled by a wife is treated as comic in a way that being controlled by a husband is not, and a man who says it out loud usually gets laughter before he gets anything else.
Then the fear of not being believed, or of the complaint being reversed. Men worry that reporting will end with them being treated as the aggressor, and it happens often enough that the fear is grounded.
Then the children. A man who leaves frequently expects to lose daily contact, and often does.
And finally the absence of anywhere to go. There is very little emergency accommodation for men in Nigeria, and almost none that takes a man with children.
What is genuinely different
Two things, and pretending otherwise helps nobody.
The first is the risk profile. Serious injury and homicide in domestic settings fall disproportionately on women, which is why services are built the way they are. That is a statement about where the worst outcomes concentrate, not a statement that a man in front of you is not being harmed.
The second is provision. Refuges, funding and specialist services are overwhelmingly for women. A man looking for help will find far less, and will more often be dealing with general services that have no experience of this.
Where a false allegation is being threatened
This comes up often enough to deserve its own answer.
Keep records, in the same way and for the same reasons anybody else would. Dates, messages, what was said and when. Do not delete a message thread because it is unpleasant, since the whole thread is usually what shows the pattern.
Do not respond to provocation in writing. Anything you send is available to be read out later, and a single angry message can do more damage than a year of restraint prevented.
Get legal advice early rather than after something has been filed. What legal help costs and what is free applies to you as much as to anybody, and how counter-allegations work is the same problem viewed from the other side.
What we can offer
Being clear is more use than being welcoming.
What we can do: talk to you, take you seriously, and not laugh. Point you to a lawyer. Help you think through a safety plan, which works the same way for anybody. Tell you honestly what services exist in your state and which of them will actually take a man. If children are involved and at risk, help with that.
What we cannot do: house you. Our accommodation, our programmes and our funding are for women, and we are not going to promise a bed we do not have. We would rather tell you that in the first minute than after a week of waiting.
If we are not the right service we will say so and try to say where else. How we handle that is written down so it is not a matter of who answers the phone.
One thing worth saying
Men who contact us often open by apologising for it, or by explaining that they know this is not for them.
You do not have to do that. What is happening to you is either happening or it is not, and the fact that a service is built for somebody else does not make your account less true. Ask, and we will tell you plainly what we can and cannot do.
Questions people ask
Is abuse of men common?
It happens and it is under-reported. The most serious outcomes, including homicide, fall disproportionately on women, which is why services are built the way they are. Both of those are true at once.
She hits me but she is much smaller. Does that count?
Size decides who wins a fight, not who is being controlled. Weapons, hot liquids and being attacked while asleep remove the size difference entirely, and control does not require violence at all.
She is threatening to make a false allegation. What do I do?
Keep records rather than deleting them, do not respond to provocation in writing, and get legal advice before anything is filed rather than after.
Can you house me?
No. Our accommodation and programmes are for women and we will not promise a bed we do not have. We can help with legal advice, a safety plan, and telling you honestly what exists in your state.
Will you take me seriously if I call?
Yes. You will not be laughed at and you do not need to apologise for ringing. If we are not the right service we will say so quickly and try to tell you where else to go.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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