Two opposite fears turn up in this conversation, often in the same woman. That she will never trust anybody again, and that she will walk straight into the same thing without seeing it.
Neither is inevitable. This is what is worth knowing, without the two unhelpful extremes of “all men are like that” and “just put it behind you”.
The pace question
If there is one thing on this page, it is this: be careful of speed.
Controlling relationships are characteristically fast. Intense early attention, declarations of love within weeks, wanting to move in or marry quickly, wanting all of your time immediately, and a sense of certainty that is genuinely flattering after years of being treated badly.
The speed is not incidental to it. It works because it establishes commitment before there has been time to see anything, and it is very hard to distinguish from strong feeling at the time.
So the practical rule is not to look for warning signs, which is exhausting and makes everything sinister. It is to go slowly and see what happens. Somebody who is fine will be fine with slow. Somebody who is not will find it very difficult to sustain the performance for a year, and that is the whole test.
What to watch, and how to read it
None of these is proof of anything on its own. What matters is the pattern and, above all, what happens when you say no.
- How he responds to a boundary. Not the first no, which anybody can take well. The third small one, about something that does not matter. Sulking, punishing silence, or an argument that costs more than the request was worth is the thing to notice.
- What he says about his previous partners. If every one of them was mad, wicked or unfaithful, listen carefully. It is the most consistently useful signal there is.
- Whether he is interested in your people. Or whether time with them is gradually made expensive.
- How he speaks about your past. Somebody who wants details early, or who becomes competitive about it, or who uses it later, has told you something.
- Money. Any early merging of finances, any interest in what you have, any suggestion that an account should be joint. Keep your own for a long time.
- Whether he is the same in front of others. Particularly with people who cannot do anything for him — waiters, drivers, security men.
- Whether you find yourself managing him. Choosing words carefully, softening things, planning how to raise something. That is the earliest signal and it usually arrives before anything identifiable has happened.
The fuller list applies here as much as it does the first time, and the mechanism is worth understanding because it looks like love before it looks like control.
Where your instincts are and are not reliable
This is the part that gets glossed over. Your instincts are now unusual, in two directions at once.
You are much better than most people at reading a room, sensing a shift in mood, and noticing the first sign that somebody is annoyed. That is a real skill, however it was acquired, and it is worth trusting.
You are also likely to be miscalibrated. Ordinary irritation can feel like danger. A raised voice may produce a reaction out of proportion to the event. And treatment that is merely acceptable can feel like devotion, because the comparison in your head is not a fair one.
The practical answer is to trust the alarm and check the interpretation. When something feels wrong, take it seriously enough to slow down, and describe it to somebody outside it before deciding what it means.
The physical part
Expect it to be complicated, and expect that not to be a verdict on anybody.
Freezing, flinching, panic, going somewhere else in your head, or simply not wanting anything for a long time are all common and all normal after what happened. So is the opposite. What the body does afterwards covers this properly.
What matters is how somebody responds to it. A man who takes it personally, argues with it, or treats your pace as a problem to be managed has answered the important question early and cheaply.
The children
Slower than you think, and much slower than he would like.
Not in the first months. Not until it is stable enough that a departure would not be another loss on top of the ones they have had. Children who have watched one family come apart do not need to be introduced to somebody who may be gone by December.
When it happens, do it gradually and in ordinary settings rather than as an event. Expect resentment, particularly from teenagers, and expect it to have nothing to do with him personally. Do not ask them to like him, and do not let him discipline them for a long time.
And be alert in the specific way that this situation requires. A man who is unusually interested in your children before he is interested in you, who wants time alone with them early, or who is much warmer to them than to you, is worth watching carefully. Their reaction is a separate matter and it is normal for it to be negative at first.
What to tell somebody, and when
You are not obliged to explain your history to anybody, at any point, and it is not a debt you owe for being with you.
Most women tell somebody eventually, and later is generally better than early. What is worth watching is not what he says at the time, since almost everybody says the right thing. It is whether it is ever used against you afterwards, in an argument, or repeated to anybody else. That is the actual test and it comes months later.
If you are still in court proceedings, or keeping an address private, be careful with details for practical reasons rather than emotional ones.
Being alone as a choice
Some women decide, after all of it, that they would rather not, and that is a complete and legitimate outcome rather than damage.
There is heavy pressure in the other direction, from family and from everybody who wants to see you settled. A woman who is content on her own is doing fine, and does not need to be persuaded that she is missing something.
What is worth being careful of is choosing somebody because of how hard the first year is, which is the most common reason women end up in a second version of the same thing. Loneliness is real, it is temporary, and it is a bad basis for a decision that lasts.
Questions people ask
How do I know if it is happening again?
Watch what happens when you say no about something small, and watch whether you have started managing him — choosing words carefully, planning how to raise things. That is usually the earliest signal, before anything identifiable has happened.
He is wonderful and wants to marry me quickly. Is that a bad sign?
Speed is the thing to be careful of, because it establishes commitment before there has been time to see anything. Somebody who is fine will be fine with going slowly, and that is the whole test.
Are my instincts reliable now?
They are sharper than most people’s at reading mood, and they are also miscalibrated in both directions. Trust the alarm, then check the interpretation with somebody outside it before deciding what it means.
When should he meet my children?
Later than you think and much later than he would like. Not until it is stable enough that a departure would not be one more loss for children who have already had several.
Do I have to tell him what happened to me?
No, at any point. Most women eventually do, and later is generally better. The test is not what he says at the time — almost everybody says the right thing — but whether it is ever used in an argument months later.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
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- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
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- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
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