This is the hardest article on this site to write honestly, because the truthful version contains a sentence nobody wants to read. The period around leaving is when women are most often seriously hurt or killed.
That is not an argument for staying. It is an argument for planning, for not doing it alone, and for treating the days either side of leaving as the part that needs the most care. Women who plan and who tell somebody beforehand do materially better than women who leave in the middle of an incident with nothing.
Why the risk rises at this point
Men who control their partners are not usually reacting to an argument. They are maintaining an arrangement, and the arrangement is that you do what is expected. Leaving is not a disagreement inside that arrangement. It is the end of it.
That is why the trigger is so often the intention rather than the act. Announcing it, being suspected of it, being seen with a bag, having a friend visit unexpectedly. A pattern of control is one of the clearest signals that the response to separation may be severe, and it matters more than whether there has been physical violence before.
Understanding that changes the plan in one specific way. The goal is the largest possible gap between the moment you go and the moment he realises, because that gap is what turns a journey into a safe arrival.
Tell somebody before the day
Call us, or another service, before you go rather than on the day. This single step changes more than anything else in this article.
A woman who arrives somewhere with a plan gets help in hours. A woman who arrives at midnight with nothing spends the first two days simply getting to the position the first woman started from, and those two days are days her children are not in school and she is not sleeping.
Planning ahead also means the practical things can be arranged in advance rather than improvised. Somewhere to stay that is not the obvious address. Transport at the hour it is safe to travel. Somebody who can meet you. Where you go is worth deciding properly rather than in the moment.
Choose the moment
Most women leave when he is out and expected to stay out. Work hours, a trip, a wedding, a funeral, a match. Look at his week and find the longest reliable absence.
Three things to avoid.
- Do not announce it. The intention to leave is the single most common trigger for the worst violence.
- Do not leave a note explaining. Explanations invite pursuit and give him something to show other people.
- Do not raise it as a conversation first. Many women hope for a calm discussion and a dignified separation. That hope is understandable and it is the reason a number of women are seriously hurt.
If you have already told him you are thinking about leaving, do not treat that as a failure. It does mean the timing matters more, and it is worth telling whoever is helping you, because it changes how urgent the arrangements are.
Get the documents out early
Documents and the emergency bag should already be out of the house before the day. Carrying a suitcase through the door is what turns leaving into a confrontation.
Move things one at a time over weeks so nothing is ever missing on a particular day. Birth certificates, identity documents, school records, bank details, any medical or police records. The full list is here, along with what to photograph if you cannot take the original.
Transport
Arrange it rather than improvise it. A driver you know, a relative, or a ride booked from a different location rather than from your gate.
If money for transport is the obstacle, say so when you call us. It is one of the things we can arrange quickly and it is the request we receive most often at short notice. Nobody should stay another month because of the cost of a journey.
The children
Take them with you if they are with you and it is safe to do so.
Leaving children behind, even briefly and even for excellent reasons, creates two serious problems. It allows an argument later that they are settled where they are and should stay. And it is much harder to reverse quickly than most people expect. What a court actually considers is worth reading before you go rather than afterwards.
If you could not take them, get legal advice the same day. Speed matters here more than in almost any other part of this.
Tell children as late as is practical. This is not dishonesty. It protects them from having to keep a secret from a parent, which is a heavy thing to ask of a child and one they may not manage. What to say, and what not to ask of them, is set out separately.
The first week
The week after leaving is when most of the practical damage is done or avoided.
- Change what is predictable. Your route, the shops you use, the time you collect the children, the day you visit family. He knows your habits better than anyone.
- Tell the school in writing who may and may not collect the children, and give them a copy of any order. Ask them to record any unexpected contact rather than dealing with it informally.
- Tell your employer if you can. A workplace that knows can stop a caller being told you are there. What an employer can reasonably do is short and costs them very little.
- Tell one neighbour at the new address, so somebody would notice him arrive.
- Ask about a protection order in the first week, not the first month. The process is here.
- Deal with the phone. Location sharing, shared accounts and message previews are the three commonest ways women are found. Do this before you go if you can.
Expect the contact to continue
Very often there is more contact after separation than before, because the person who lost control is trying to get it back. Calls from new numbers, messages to your relatives, appearances at your workplace or the school gate.
Record it before you block anything. Screenshot with the date and number visible. What to keep and what to report is set out separately, and the short version is that a documented pattern of contact after separation is often easier to prove than the original abuse.
If you go back
Many women return, some several times. On average it takes several attempts, and each one teaches you something about what did not work.
Going back does not mean the attempt failed and it does not mean you have used up your chances with us or with anyone else. What it usually means is that one practical thing was not in place. Money, housing, childcare, a school place, or somebody to talk to at the point when it got hard.
If you do go back, keep the bag packed and the documents out of the house. Keep the account. Keep the number. You will know more next time than you did this time, and we will still be here.
If you are leaving right now
If you are reading this because tonight is the night, the order is simple. Get out. Call 112 if you are in danger. Call us on 2348025170267 when you are somewhere you can speak. Everything else on this page can be done afterwards.
Questions people ask
Should I tell him I am leaving?
No. The intention to leave is the most common trigger for severe violence. Tell somebody who can help you instead.
What if I have nowhere to go?
Call us before you leave. Arranging somewhere is one of the things we can do quickly, and it is far better than arriving somewhere at night with nothing.
Can I take the children?
Yes, and generally you should if they are with you and it is safe. Leaving them behind makes the legal position considerably harder. If you could not, get advice the same day.
How many times do women usually leave before it is final?
Several, commonly. It is the norm rather than a failure, and it does not use up anybody’s patience here.
He has threatened to kill me if I leave. What do I do?
Treat that as the most serious information you have. Tell whoever is helping you, in those words, and tell the police. It changes how urgently everything else should happen.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
Also worth reading:
