Faith is a genuine source of strength for a great many of the women we work with, and nothing here is an argument against anybody’s religion. A household organised around worship, with a husband who takes headship seriously, is an ordinary and often happy arrangement.
This is about something narrower: religious language used as the instrument by which one person controls another. It has a particular signature, and once you can see it, it is not difficult to distinguish from belief.
What it looks like
- Scripture ends every disagreement. Not consulted for guidance — produced to close a conversation, always by the same person, always in the same direction.
- Submission is one-directional. The verses about her obligations are quoted constantly. The ones about his are never mentioned, and raising them is treated as rebellion.
- Your worship is controlled. Which services you attend, who you may sit with, whether you may join a group, whether you may give.
- Or your worship is forbidden. The reverse is equally common — a woman prevented from attending, or made to leave her own faith or denomination.
- A leader is used as an authority against you, sometimes without that leader knowing.
- Refusing sex is framed as sin. Consent does not disappear inside a marriage, and no obligation makes it a duty owed on demand.
- Your standing is questioned as a weapon. That you are not truly a believer, that a demon is involved, that your suffering is the consequence of your own faithlessness.
- Prayer instead of anything else. Every practical problem — money, violence, a sick child — is answered with more prayer and nothing may be done.
- Deliverance or fasting imposed on you as correction, sometimes for days, sometimes affecting your health.
- Giving that the household cannot afford, decided by him, while you account for every naira.
The line
The test is the same one used everywhere on this site: force, one-sidedness and fear.
A husband who leads prayers, expects the household to attend and holds firm views is not abusing anybody. A husband whose religious authority applies only to obligations that benefit him, who enforces it, and who makes you afraid of what follows a refusal, is using faith as a mechanism rather than living by it.
One question settles it more often than any other: does it ever cost him anything? Genuine conviction constrains the person holding it. Where the rules produce obligations for you and freedoms for him, and where the interpretation shifts whenever it would inconvenience him, you are looking at control wearing religious clothing.
A second question: is he like this where other believers can see? A man whose religious severity is a private matter between the two of you, and who is relaxed and charming at the mosque or the church, has told you that it is not about God.
Why it is unusually hard to name
Because objecting appears to be objecting to the faith itself, and for a woman whose faith matters to her that is intolerable. It is easier to conclude that she is a poor believer than that her husband is misusing something sacred.
Because the community’s authority is generally aligned with him, so raising it means arguing against people she reveres.
And because it attacks the specific thing she would otherwise draw on. Somebody being told she is under judgement has had her main source of comfort turned into a source of fear, which is what makes this particular form so isolating. The mechanism is the same as elsewhere; the material is simply harder to argue with.
What is worth holding onto
You are entitled to a second opinion on a religious question, exactly as you would be on a medical one. Seeking one is not faithlessness.
You are entitled to ask a narrow question rather than a general one. Not “what should I do about my marriage” but “is it acceptable that I am afraid in my own house”. That is much harder to answer with an instruction to endure.
Submission is not submission to harm. Forgiveness does not require remaining within reach. Patience is not the same as accepting injury. These are not modern inventions and any serious religious leader knows it.
The wider article on faith and abuse covers what to expect from a pastor or an imam, and what to do when the first one you speak to sends you home with only prayer.
Practical steps
- Find one person of faith who is not in his circle. A woman from another congregation, a leader in another town, an organisation that works with religious communities. The single most useful thing here is a source of authority he does not control.
- Ask the specific question in writing if you can. A written answer from somebody respected is very hard to argue away, and easier to obtain than most women expect.
- Do not debate scripture with him. It is his ground and the point is not to win the argument. Nothing you establish will change what happens afterwards.
- Keep attending something if you can, even irregularly. Isolation is doing more damage than the theology.
- Write down what is said, particularly threats framed religiously. It is easy to lose track of how far it has gone. How to keep a record safely applies.
- Watch the children. Where they are being taught that their mother is disobedient or under judgement, that has consequences worth taking seriously.
If your leader has been drawn in
Sometimes a pastor or an imam is being used without knowing, and a plain conversation resolves it. Sometimes they know and have taken his side, and that is a much harder position, particularly where your whole social world is that congregation.
You are permitted to go elsewhere. Changing congregation is not apostasy and a great many women in this position have done it and describe it as the thing that changed everything. It is a real loss and it is survivable.
What we do
We do not counsel anybody out of their religion and we will not tell you to leave your marriage. Many of the women we work with are devout, are staying, and want practical things: an account of their own, a lawyer, school fees, somewhere to keep documents.
Where it helps, we can put you in touch with religious leaders who work with us and who will answer a question honestly. And if what you want is simply to describe it once to somebody who will not tell you it is a test of your faith, that is a complete reason to make contact.
Questions people ask
Is a husband leading the household abuse?
No. Firm religious views and a household organised around worship are ordinary. The markers are force, one-sidedness and fear, not authority itself.
How do I tell the difference?
Ask whether it ever costs him anything. Genuine conviction constrains the person holding it. Where the rules produce obligations for you and freedoms for him, and shift whenever they would inconvenience him, it is control.
He says refusing him is a sin. Is that right?
Consent does not disappear inside a marriage. No religious obligation makes sex a duty owed on demand, and sexual violence within marriage is a criminal matter in Nigerian law.
My pastor has taken his side. What now?
You are entitled to a second opinion on a religious question exactly as on a medical one, and seeking it is not faithlessness. Changing congregation is not apostasy, and many women describe it as the thing that changed everything.
Will you tell me to leave my religion?
No, never. Most of the women we work with are believers, many are staying in their marriages, and what they want from us is practical.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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