He has photographs or a video, and he is using them. Sometimes to stop you leaving. Sometimes after you have left. Sometimes they have already been sent to one person, as a demonstration of what could happen next.
Two things to say before anything practical. This is a crime committed against you, not a mistake you made. And it is one of the most effective control mechanisms there is, because the threat works continuously without anybody having to do anything.
It is not your fault
Women in this position are frequently unable to act because of shame, and the shame is doing exactly what it is meant to do.
Photographs taken inside a relationship, with consent at the time, are ordinary. Consent to a photograph being taken is not consent to it being distributed, and that distinction is recognised in law rather than being a moral argument. Images obtained without your knowledge — taken while you slept, or during sex without agreement — are a separate offence again.
The person who deserves to be embarrassed is the one threatening to distribute private images of somebody he claimed to love.
What the law says
This is better covered in Nigeria than most people assume.
The Cybercrimes Act addresses using a computer or network to threaten, harass, extort or bully, and communications intended to cause distress or made for the purpose of extortion. Where the demand is for money or for compliance, blackmail and extortion offences apply in their own right. The VAPP Act covers psychological and emotional abuse in broad terms, and a protection order can prohibit a person from publishing material about you.
Where images were taken without consent, or in circumstances where you had a reasonable expectation of privacy, that is an additional matter. Where any person in the images was under eighteen, the offences are far more serious again and it must be reported immediately.
What is worth understanding is that this is not a grey area requiring a sympathetic officer. It falls squarely within written criminal law.
What to do first
- Do not pay, and do not comply. This is the hardest instruction and the most important. Paying establishes that the threat works and it will be used again. There is no version of this where meeting the demand is the end.
- Do not delete anything. Not the threats, not the conversation, not the account. Deleting your side destroys the evidence and changes nothing about what he holds.
- Screenshot everything immediately. The threats, the account name or number, the date and time visible. Save it somewhere he cannot reach — an email account he does not know about, which also timestamps it.
- Do not reply beyond the minimum. Do not plead, do not negotiate, do not threaten back. Anything you send can be reframed later.
- Tell one person, today. This is the offence that most depends on the victim’s isolation, and it loses a great deal of its power the moment somebody else knows.
- Report it. To the police, and where appropriate to the platform.
Reporting to the police
Take somebody with you and take the evidence, printed if you can as well as on a device.
Use the right words at the counter. Not “my husband is threatening me with photographs” but “I am reporting blackmail and an offence under the Cybercrimes Act”. That framing changes the response, because it names an offence rather than describing a domestic dispute.
Ask for the reference number and the investigating officer’s name. Ask whether there is a cybercrime unit and whether the matter can go to it. What to expect and what to do if you are turned away applies here as elsewhere.
Where money has been demanded, say so explicitly and early. Extortion is treated differently from a domestic argument and it is understood by every station.
If images have already been shared
It is worse and it is not the end, and women in this position recover from it more often than they can believe at the time.
- Report to the platform. Every major platform prohibits non-consensual intimate images and removes them, usually faster than people expect. Report as non-consensual intimate imagery specifically rather than as general harassment.
- Keep evidence before removal. Screenshot the post, the account and the date first, then report it.
- Do not engage with anybody who saw it. No explanations, no group messages. It extends the reach.
- Tell the people who matter, briefly, first. Family, an employer if relevant. A short, plain account from you lands very differently from a rumour, and most people respond better than women expect.
- Get legal advice about takedown and about the criminal complaint. Both are available and they are separate.
- Do not read the comments. Ask somebody else to monitor it if monitoring is needed.
Protecting what he might still get
Assume that anything on a shared device, a shared account or a synced photo library is available to him.
Change the password on your email first, then the recovery number and recovery email, then sign out all other devices. Check whether your gallery is backing up to an account he can reach — it usually is, and that is how images are obtained in most of these cases rather than by anything sophisticated.
How to go through a device properly and the wider picture both apply.
If he is threatening to send them to your family
This is the most common form of the threat, and there is a move that takes the weapon away, though it is a hard one.
Telling your family yourself, first, in your own words, removes the entire power of it. It is deeply unpleasant and women who have done it consistently describe it as the moment the situation changed, because there is nothing left to threaten.
You do not have to show anybody anything. “He has private photographs of me and he is threatening to send them to you to punish me for leaving. I am telling you before he does” is enough, and it also frames what follows correctly.
What we can do
A lawyer who has done these, help with the police complaint and with framing it properly, and support with takedown requests. Counselling, because the shame around this is heavy and it responds to being said out loud.
And if what you want is to tell one person before deciding anything at all, that is a complete reason to make contact. Nobody here will ask why the photographs exist.
Questions people ask
Should I pay him to delete them?
No. Paying establishes that the threat works and it will be used again. There is no version of this where meeting the demand ends it.
Is this actually a crime?
Yes. The Cybercrimes Act covers using a network to threaten, harass or extort, blackmail and extortion offences apply on their own, and a protection order can prohibit publishing material about you.
I consented to the photographs being taken. Does that weaken my position?
No. Consent to a photograph being taken is not consent to it being distributed, and that distinction is recognised in law rather than being a moral argument.
He is threatening to send them to my family. What can I do?
Telling your family yourself, first, in your own words, removes the power of the threat entirely. You do not have to show anybody anything — saying that he has private photographs and is threatening to send them is enough.
They are already online. Is it too late?
No. Screenshot the post and account for evidence first, then report to the platform as non-consensual intimate imagery specifically. Major platforms remove these faster than people expect, and the criminal complaint is separate.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, email us at hello@healbridge.org, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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