Work is often the only place a woman being controlled goes alone. That makes colleagues unusually well placed to notice, and unusually likely to say nothing for fear of interfering in something private.
What you might notice
- Frequent calls or messages she has to answer immediately, and visible anxiety when she cannot.
- A partner who arrives unannounced, or who waits outside at the end of a shift.
- Injuries explained lightly, or clothing that does not suit the weather.
- Withdrawal from things she used to join, particularly anything after work.
- Money difficulty that does not match her salary, or asking to be paid in a particular way.
- Lateness or absence that started recently and has no explanation she seems comfortable giving.
- Checking the time constantly towards the end of the day.
Any one of these means nothing. Several together, appearing at the same point, are worth a question.
Ask once, in private, plainly
Not in the open office and not in a group message. Somewhere she can answer honestly without anybody seeing her face.
Something specific and easy to decline. You have seemed under a lot of pressure lately. Is everything alright at home. You can tell me if it is not.
Then let the silence sit. If she says everything is fine, accept it and add the sentence that keeps the door open. If it ever changes, you can tell me, and I will not repeat it.
The sentences that close this down are worth reading first, because several of them are workplace habits.
Do not tell colleagues
This is the most important line on this page.
Workplace information travels, and it can travel back to him through people you would never suspect, including people who are genuinely fond of her. If she has told you something, it stays with you unless she asks otherwise or somebody is in immediate danger.
That includes not telling one trusted person who will definitely not repeat it.
Practical things you can offer
- Walk out with her at the end of the day.
- Let her use your phone, or your address for a letter or a bank account.
- Hold a bag or an envelope of documents in your locker or at your home.
- Cover for her while she makes a call in private, which may be the only private moment she gets.
- Agree a signal that means call the police, ordinary enough to say aloud in an office.
Holding documents is the one that matters most and the one nobody thinks of. It removes the largest single obstacle to leaving quickly.
If he turns up
- Do not confirm that she is there.
- Do not fetch her.
- Do not let him wait inside.
- Tell her quietly and immediately, so she can decide what to do rather than walking into it.
- If he refuses to leave or is threatening, call the police.
- Write down the date, the time and what was said, while it is fresh.
Contact at a workplace is often the clearest evidence a court sees, because there are independent witnesses with no stake in the outcome. Why the record matters is covered separately.
Escalating without betraying her
If you think somebody senior should know, ask her first and let her choose who. Being told that your employer already knows, without having been asked, removes the last place where she had any control.
The exception is immediate danger, where you act and explain afterwards.
If she does want somebody senior told, this article is written for that person and covers what an employer can reasonably do.
If she leaves the job
Many women lose work because of this, sometimes because he made it impossible and sometimes because she moved suddenly.
Offer to be a reference before she goes, and give her a way to reach you that is not the company email. Getting back into work is one of the hardest parts of rebuilding, and a former colleague willing to vouch for her is worth a great deal.
Questions people ask
Should I tell HR?
Ask her first and let her decide who is told. Going over her head removes her control, which is what is being taken from her at home. Immediate danger is the exception.
What if I am wrong?
Then you asked a colleague a kind question in private and she said she was fine. The cost of being wrong is very small. The cost of saying nothing can be very large.
He calls the office constantly. Can we do anything?
Yes. Do not confirm she works there, log every call with the date and time, and tell her. That log is often the clearest evidence a court sees.
She asked me not to tell anyone and I am worried. What now?
Keep her confidence unless somebody is in immediate danger. Keep asking how she is, and keep the offer of practical help open.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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