Parents often decide to say nothing, on the grounds that the children did not see much and will forget. Children almost always saw more than adults think, and what they do with silence is invent an explanation. The explanation they invent is usually that it was their fault.
So the choice is not between telling them and protecting them. It is between your account and the one they will construct on their own.
Three sentences that do most of the work
- What happened was not your fault.
- It is not your job to fix it.
- You are allowed to love him and still not like what he does.
Repeat them. Children need to hear things many more times than adults do before they believe them, and a child who nodded last month may need it again tonight.
By age
Under five
Very short and concrete. Daddy was shouting and it was frightening. You are safe now.
Expect the same question tomorrow and answer it the same way. Consistency is what does the work at this age, not detail.
Five to ten
More detail, still simple, and no blame language. Daddy does things that hurt people and that is not allowed. We are staying here where it is quiet.
Children this age very often ask whether it will happen again. The honest answer is that you are doing everything you can to make sure it does not, and that there are other people helping you. Do not promise it is over if you do not know that.
Teenagers
They know, and they will notice being managed, which damages trust more than the truth would.
Be straight, without making them a confidant. They should not be carrying your fear, your legal case or your finances. Give the outline and let them ask. If they want to know something you are not going to tell them, say that rather than deflecting.
The hard questions
Is it my fault. No. Never. Nothing you did or said caused it, and nothing you could have done would have stopped it.
Why did you stay so long. Because I was trying to keep us together, and I was frightened, and I was doing my best with what I knew then. Not a defence. Just the truth, which children handle better than a performance.
Do you hate him. Answer for yourself only, and do not require them to agree. I do not like what he did. You are allowed to feel differently about your father.
When are we going home. Do not promise what you cannot deliver. I do not know yet. What I do know is where we are sleeping tonight and tomorrow. Children can hold uncertainty if the immediate future is specific.
Can I see him. Common, and not a betrayal of you. Contact is a separate legal question from what he did to you, and it is far better decided by a court than negotiated at a doorstep.
When they are angry with you
Very common and hard to bear. You are the safe person to be angry with, which is a compliment nobody wants.
What helps is not defending yourself. Saying that they are allowed to be angry, that you are not going anywhere, and then not arguing the point, does more than any explanation. It usually settles.
What does not help is asking them to reassure you. That reverses the roles at the moment they most need you to be the adult.
What to watch for
Sleep problems. Going backwards in toileting. Stomach aches with no medical cause. Trouble at school in a child who had none. Clinging, or refusing to be alone in a room.
And the one most easily missed, a flat calm that looks like coping. The child causing no difficulty is not necessarily the one managing best.
What to expect and what to ask of them covers the practical side. Your own version of this is happening at the same time and looks different, which is set out here.
Getting help for them
Children respond to counselling faster than adults do, and a short piece of work at the right moment can prevent years of difficulty. It is available in the language they are comfortable in, which matters more than people expect, because a child will not describe a frightening thing in their second language.
Counselling for children is part of what we arrange, and it does not require you to be receiving anything yourself.
Questions people ask
Should I tell them the details?
No. Children need enough to make sense of what they saw, not a full account. Detail belongs to adults.
They want to see their father. What do I do?
That is common and it is not a betrayal of you. Contact is a separate legal question. Take advice rather than arranging it informally, and never use a handover as a place to meet alone.
My child blames me. How do I fix it?
Do not defend yourself. Say they are allowed to be angry and that you are not going anywhere. It usually settles.
Should I tell them what he did to me?
Only in outline, and only what helps them understand what they already saw. They should not be carrying your case.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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