Leaving used to mean going somewhere he did not know. Now a woman can move across the country and still receive forty messages before breakfast, be tagged in a photograph that reveals which street she is on, or discover that he has read every email because he still knows her password.
This article covers what technology facilitated abuse looks like and what to do about each kind. The practical settings work is in Keeping your phone and your messages private. What to do when contact continues after separation is in When he will not leave you alone after you have left.
Tracking
Location sharing switched on years ago and forgotten. A shared family account. A small item tracker slipped into a handbag, a car door pocket or a child’s school bag. Trackers are cheap, the size of a coin, and last months on one battery.
Both major phone systems now warn you when an unknown tracker is travelling with you. On iPhone the alert appears by itself. On Android look for the unknown tracker alerts setting and check it is on.
If you get such an alert, do not simply throw the device away. Note where it was, photograph it in place, and get advice. It is evidence, and evidence of tracking is unusually persuasive because it is physical and cannot be explained as a misunderstanding.
Monitoring software
Software installed on a phone can report messages, calls, photographs, browsing and location. It is almost always installed by somebody with physical access and the passcode, and it usually hides its own icon.
Signs include a battery that drains far faster than it used to, a handset that is warm when idle, unusual data use, and the phone behaving oddly when restarting.
On Android, check Settings, Security, then Device admin apps, because monitoring tools frequently appear there rather than in the ordinary app list. On both systems, look for apps with generic names you do not remember installing.
Removing one can alert the person who installed it, which for some women is more dangerous than leaving it in place. Get advice before you act, and consider using a separate device for anything that matters rather than cleaning the watched one.
Account access, which is usually the real answer
Before assuming sophisticated software, consider the simple explanation. He knows your password.
With your Google or Apple password he can, from any device and without ever touching your phone, read your email, see your photographs, see your location history, see your contacts and in some cases read your messages. No installation, no trace on the handset.
Change that password from a device he does not control, then turn on two step verification. Check the list of devices signed in to the account and remove anything you do not recognise. In WhatsApp, open Linked devices and remove any session that is not yours, because a linked device shows every message as it arrives.
Also check the recovery telephone number and recovery email on the account. If those are his, he can reset your password whenever he likes and everything else you do is wasted effort.
Shared backups and photo albums
Photographs taken on your phone often appear automatically on a family computer or in a shared album. Women have been located by a photograph they did not know was being shared, taken outside a building with a recognisable sign.
Look for shared albums you did not create, and for a backup signed in to an account that is not solely yours.
Threats to share intimate images
Threatening to publish intimate images in order to control somebody is a form of abuse and can be acted on by the courts.
Do not delete the threats, however much you want them gone. Screenshot each one with the date and the number or account name visible, and store them somewhere he cannot reach. Report the account to the platform, which is faster than most people expect. If images have already been published, act quickly, because removal is considerably easier early.
Shame is exactly what the person doing this is relying on. It is the reason threats work and the reason they are so rarely reported.
Impersonation and messages to the people around you
A common pattern after separation is a wave of messages to your relatives, your employer, your landlord or your church, describing you. It is designed to isolate you again by making the people around you doubt you.
Keep all of it. A pattern of contact after a protection order is itself a breach and is often easier to prove than the original abuse, because it is written, dated and addressed.
The order to do things in
Doing this in the wrong order is how women get caught. Sudden changes to a watched device are themselves a signal.
- Get one device he has never touched. A cheap handset with a new number, kept somewhere he does not go, is worth more than every setting on this page.
- Move the accounts that matter to it and change those passwords from that device, not from the watched one.
- Fix the recovery details on those accounts before anything else.
- Leave the watched device as it is, at least for now, so that nothing visibly changes.
- Screenshot everything before you block anything.
If you are also worried about what your browser records, Covering your tracks online deals with history, private browsing and what it cannot hide.
Why this is not a minor form of abuse
Surveillance is control, and it works the same way the wider pattern does. A woman who knows her messages are read stops writing honestly. A woman whose location is visible stops going anywhere she would have to explain. The effect is a smaller life, arrived at without a single argument.
Questions people ask
Should I block him?
Blocking stops the messages and also stops the evidence arriving. Where there is a protection order, contact is a breach worth recording. Many women keep one channel open purely to collect it, and read it only with somebody beside them.
He says he will post pictures of me. What do I do?
Screenshot the threat with the date and account visible, delete nothing, report the account to the platform, and get advice the same week.
How can I tell if there is spyware on my phone?
Fast battery drain, a warm handset when idle, high data use, and unfamiliar entries under device admin apps on Android. Get advice before removing anything, because removal can alert whoever installed it.
Is it illegal for my husband to read my messages?
It forms part of the psychological and economic abuse the Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act addresses, and it is strong evidence of a pattern of control. Take advice on your own state.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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