Abuse in a first relationship is routinely dismissed as drama, on the grounds that it is not a marriage, there are no children and nobody is trapped. The patterns are the same, the harm is real, and it sets the expectation for every relationship that follows.
It is also the point at which intervention is easiest, because there is no bride price, no children and no shared property. What is missing is not options. It is anybody taking it seriously.
What it looks like at this age
- Constant messaging, and anger when a reply is slow. Not affection. A check.
- Demanding passwords, or reading her messages as a test of loyalty, with refusal treated as proof of something to hide.
- Pressure for photographs, then keeping them as leverage.
- Deciding what she wears and who she is allowed to speak to, framed as respect or as not wanting other men to look.
- Turning up wherever she is, presented as devotion.
- Threats of self harm if she ends it, which is one of the most effective forms of control that exists and is almost impossible for a seventeen year old to resist.
- Public humiliation online, or posts calculated to be seen by her friends.
- Isolation from her own friends, usually achieved by making time with him the price of peace.
Everything in that list is the same pattern that appears in a marriage twenty years later. The only difference is that at this age it is more likely to be conducted through a phone, which makes it constant.
Images
Once an image is sent, control of it is gone. That is worth saying plainly rather than moralising about, because the shame around it is what keeps young women silent while the leverage grows.
Threatening to share intimate images in order to control somebody can be acted on. If it has happened, do not delete the threats. Screenshot each one with the date and the account visible. Report the account to the platform, which is faster than most people expect. Tell an adult, because removal is much easier early and because the person doing this is relying entirely on her being too ashamed to speak.
When the abuse follows you onto your phone covers image threats, tracking and account access in more detail.
For parents
The instinct is to ban the relationship. It rarely works, and it usually means she stops telling you anything, which removes the only protection she actually has.
What works better is dull and harder. Stay reachable. Be curious rather than furious. Ask what she likes about him and listen to the answer without arguing with it, because arguing tells her you cannot be told things.
Say once, clearly, and then leave it alone. Anyone who frightens you is not treating you properly, and you can call me at any hour, from anywhere, and there will be no questions on the night.
That last clause matters more than everything else in this article. Young women stay in dangerous situations because the price of asking for help is a row about why they were there in the first place. Remove the price.
If you are worried about what she may be reading or searching, Covering your tracks online explains what a phone does and does not record, which is useful in both directions.
For teachers
You will very often see it before parents do, because school is where she is separated from him for six hours.
Watch for a girl who is suddenly always on her phone and visibly anxious about answering, who has stopped seeing the friends she used to sit with, whose work drops away without explanation, who is collected by somebody waiting at the gate, or who is wearing long sleeves in the heat.
Ask once, alone, plainly. Record it in writing on the day. Follow your school’s safeguarding procedure rather than handling it informally, because informal handling leaves no trail and trails are what protect children later.
Do not arrange a meeting with both of them present. Ever.
Ending it safely
Ending a controlling relationship carries the same risks at seventeen as it does at thirty. The period around separation is the most dangerous point.
- Do it in a public place, or by message. Not alone with him, and not at his home.
- Tell somebody before, not after. One friend and one adult.
- Expect contact from new numbers and through mutual friends who believe they are helping.
- Keep the messages. Do not delete them in order to feel better, however much you want to.
- Change passwords, and check which devices are signed in to her accounts.
If she goes back
She may, several times. Responding with I told you so removes you from the list of people she can call, which is the only thing that was protecting her. The friend or parent who is still reachable on the fourth attempt is usually the reason the fourth attempt works.
How to help a friend or sister who is being abused covers this from the point of view of the person on the other side of the conversation.
Questions people ask
She will not listen to me. What do I do?
Stop trying to win the argument and concentrate on remaining the person she can call. Parents who stay reachable are the ones contacted at two in the morning.
He says he will hurt himself if she leaves. Is that real?
Treat any threat of self harm seriously and get help for him through his own family or a professional. It is also one of the commonest ways young women are kept in relationships. Both are true at once, and managing it is not her responsibility.
Should I take her phone away?
Almost never. It removes her contact with friends and with help, which is what he is already trying to achieve.
She is over eighteen. Can I still do anything?
You cannot decide for her. You can stay reachable, keep the invitation open, and be specific that there will be no questions on the night.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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