Almost everything on this list is said with good intentions, usually by somebody who genuinely wants to help. That is exactly why it is worth naming, because nobody corrects a sentence they think is kind.
Why did you not leave
It sounds like a question and lands as an accusation. It also asks her to justify years of impossible arithmetic in one sentence.
Ask instead what made it hard to leave, and you will get an answer rather than a defence. The answer is usually money, children, family or a threat, and all four are things you can actually help with.
I would never let a man do that to me
This tells her that the difference between you and her is character, which means what happened is a failing of hers. It also guarantees she never tells you anything again.
But he seems so nice
He does. That is the point, and it is the mechanism. Men who are frightening in public rarely get the chance to do this for fifteen years.
Say instead that people can be very different at home. It costs nothing and it keeps the conversation open.
Are you sure it was that bad
She has spent years being told her memory is wrong. Do not join in. That is the specific damage that makes her unable to act.
Think of the children
She has thought of nothing else. This sentence is almost always deployed as an argument for staying, and the evidence points the other way.
If you mean it, say the true version. Children do better with one calm parent than with two frightening ones.
Every marriage has problems
True and irrelevant. Problems are not the same as fear. What this sentence communicates is that what she is describing is ordinary and she should stop describing it.
Just pray about it
Faith carries many women through this and is a genuine strength. Used as the entire answer it becomes a way of sending her home with nothing changed.
Pray with her and also help her get a lawyer. What this looks like from the other side is written for pastors and imams, and is worth reading if you are the person she has told.
What did you do to make him angry
There is no answer to this that helps. His behaviour is his. Asking the question makes you one more person she has to manage.
You should report him
Perhaps. It is her decision, it carries risks she is far better placed to judge than you are, and pressure to report is one of the things that most reliably stops women asking for help at all.
Offer instead to go with her if she ever wants to. What actually happens is worth reading first so that your offer is realistic.
If you go back I am finished with you
Said out of exhaustion, and entirely understandable. It also removes you from the list of people she can call from a petrol station at midnight.
Set limits on what you can do rather than on whether you remain reachable. Those are different things and only one of them is dangerous.
What to say instead
- I believe you.
- That should not be happening to you.
- What would help.
- Is there anything I can hold for you.
- The door is open whenever you want it.
Five sentences, none of which requires you to know anything about domestic abuse, and all of which leave her in charge of what happens next.
Where and when you say it matters as much
The best sentence in the wrong setting does damage. Three practical points.
Never in front of him. Not a hint, not a joke, not a sympathetic look he might catch. Anything he notices, she pays for later.
Never in a group. Even a group of people who love her. She will manage the room rather than answer you, and she will be more careful with you afterwards.
Not when she is rushing. A question asked in a doorway gets a doorway answer. If the only time you see her is brief, use it to say the one sentence that keeps the door open rather than to open the subject.
Two things people say about themselves that also close it
I do not know what to say. Understandable, and it puts her in the position of reassuring you. Say I believe you instead. It is short and it is always true enough.
I could not cope with that. Meant as sympathy, heard as a judgement about what she has been coping with, and it often ends the conversation on the spot.
If she tells you she is in danger tonight
Stop advising and start being practical. Where are you now. Are the children with you. Can you get out. Do you want me to come.
Call 112 if there is immediate danger. Do not tell her to think it over, do not suggest waiting until morning, and do not offer to speak to him.
If you have already said one of these
Almost everyone has, usually more than one. Saying sorry, that came out badly, what I meant was I believe you, repairs it almost completely.
Staying reachable matters far more than having been perfect. The practical things that help are more useful than any form of words, and holding a bag of documents in your wardrobe says more than a well phrased sentence ever will.
Questions people ask
What if I get it wrong?
Almost everyone does at first. Saying sorry, that came out badly, what I meant was I believe you, repairs it. Staying reachable matters more than being perfect.
She has not told me anything. Can I still say something?
Yes. Ask once, in private, about something specific you noticed, then leave the door open. You do not need proof.
Is it wrong to give advice at all?
Advice about her marriage, usually yes. Practical offers are different and welcome. Ask what would help rather than saying what she should do.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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