The conversation with a new employer usually starts with them bracing for a request they will have to refuse. Lower the bar, take somebody who cannot really do the work, absorb a level of disruption, treat it as charity and write it off.
That is not the ask, and an employer who agrees to it on those terms is setting up a placement that will fail. What we want is much narrower and considerably more boring.
What we ask
Hire somebody who can do the job. Judge her on whether she can do the work. If she cannot, do not take her, and tell us, because a placement that collapses costs her more than never being placed.
Three specific things then have to be agreed in advance, and all three are administrative.
One: flexibility about time, for a defined period
Court dates are set without any regard to a shift pattern and cannot be moved. Medical appointments, school meetings and appointments to replace documents arrive at short notice for the same reasons. A few hours here and there, in the first months, is frequently the whole difference between somebody keeping a job and losing one.
This is not open-ended and we will tell you roughly how long. It is heaviest early and it settles.
Two: discretion, which is a specific set of behaviours
No announcement to the team. No explanation to colleagues, including the sympathetic ones. Nothing in a group message or on a notice board.
Most importantly: reception and switchboard never confirm anything to a caller. Not that she works there, not her department, not her shift, not whether she is in today. This is the single point at which discretion actually fails, and it fails because nobody briefed the person answering the phone.
Her address stays out of shared systems. Staff directories, delivery lists, car park lists and group emails are all routes by which a location leaks, and a location is the one thing she cannot get back once it is out.
Three: pay into an account she chose
An account in her own name that nobody else can see. Not a joint account, not one somebody else opened for her, and not cash.
This sounds like payroll administration and it is not. Where money was the instrument of control, and it usually was, an account only she can see is often the first genuinely independent thing she has had in years.
What we do not ask
- We do not ask for a lower standard. Nobody is doing her a favour by keeping her in a role she cannot do.
- We do not ask for a donation. Employers are asked for work. If you also want to give money, that is a separate conversation and we will not raise it in this one.
- We do not ask you to counsel her. That is ours. So are childcare arrangements, legal support, medical appointments and transport.
- We do not ask you to handle a crisis. There is a number you call, and somebody answers.
- We do not ask you to keep her on regardless. If it is not working, say so early and we will take it from there.
- We do not ask for anything to be publicised. No logo on our site unless you want one, no press release, no photograph. Several of our best partners are not named anywhere.
What we will not tell you
Not what happened to her. Not his name. Not whether there is a case, an order, a divorce or a reconciliation.
You will be told what you need in order to employ her safely, which is: the contact rules, roughly how much flexibility to expect and for how long, and who to call. Everything else is hers, and if she wants you to know more she will tell you herself.
Employers occasionally find this frustrating and say, reasonably, that they would help better if they knew more. In our experience they help exactly as well with the four facts as with the whole story, and the whole story is a thing that can be repeated by accident.
The corollary is that we will not verify anything to you either. If somebody rings your office claiming to be a relative checking on her, the answer is that you do not discuss staff, whatever they say and however plausible they sound.
If her husband turns up
Decide this before it happens rather than at the counter.
- Do not confirm that she is there.
- Do not fetch her, and do not let anybody else fetch her.
- Do not let him wait inside or in your car park.
- Tell her quietly and immediately, so she is not walking into it.
- If he will not leave, or is threatening, call the police.
- Write down the date, the time and what was said, the same day.
That last point matters more than it sounds. Contact at a workplace is often the clearest evidence a court sees, because the witnesses are independent and have nothing to gain. Then call us.
What you get out of it
An employee, chosen because she can do the work, who is generally very keen to keep it.
You also get a service that answers the phone. Most of what an employer worries about in advance, which is drama, disruption and being drawn into something they are not qualified for, is work we are already doing and would be doing anyway.
Employers who take one placement usually take another, which is the only piece of evidence we have and we are not going to dress it up as a statistic.
Other things worth as much as a job
If you have no vacancies, several of these are just as useful:
- A training place, an apprenticeship or work experience.
- A contract for a service one of the women we work with can provide.
- A reference for somebody with a gap she cannot explain.
- Professional time. Accountancy, legal, medical, IT, and above all a lawyer who has done these cases before.
- Property. A landlord who will accept us as guarantor solves the point at which leaving most often fails.
If you are a clinician rather than an employer, the health side is where abuse is most often seen first. The practical detail of employing somebody in this position is in the companion article, and work and income is one of our six programmes because it is the one that most often decides the outcome.
Questions people ask
Do we have to tell our team?
No, and please do not. No announcement, no explanation to colleagues, nothing in a group message. Brief reception and switchboard instead, because that is where discretion actually fails.
How much flexibility are we agreeing to?
Most of it falls in the first months and then settles. Court dates and appointments arrive at short notice and cannot be moved. We will tell you what to expect and for how long.
What if it is not working out?
Tell us early. She is an employee, not a placement you have to protect, and we would rather move quickly than watch it fail slowly.
Will you tell us what happened to her?
No. You get the contact rules, the expected flexibility and a number to call. Everything else is hers to share if she chooses.
Someone rang asking whether she works here. What do we say?
That you do not discuss staff. Do not confirm or deny, however plausible the caller sounds, then write down the date, time and what was said, and tell her and us the same day.
We have no vacancies. Is there another way to help?
Yes. Training places, apprenticeships, a service contract, references, professional time, or property. A landlord willing to accept us as guarantor is worth as much as a job.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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