A woman reports an assault. Within days there is a complaint against her: she stole from the house, she abducted the children, she is unfaithful, she is mentally unwell, she is the violent one.
This happens often enough that it should be expected rather than treated as a catastrophe. It is a tactic, it works because it is frightening, and its purpose is almost always to get the original complaint withdrawn.
The usual ones
Theft. That you took money, jewellery, appliances or documents when you left. This is the most common by a distance, because everything in the house is arguably his.
Child abduction. That you removed the children unlawfully. Frightening, and usually much weaker than it sounds where you are their mother and have been caring for them.
Adultery. Aimed at your character and your family rather than at the law, and often at the community rather than at a court.
Mental illness. That you are unstable, that you need treatment, that you cannot be trusted with the children. Particularly damaging because distress in the middle of all this is real and visible.
That you are the violent one. Sometimes with an injury from an occasion when you defended yourself.
Defamation. That by telling anybody what happened you have damaged his reputation.
Why it works
Not because the allegations are strong. Because they change what the situation feels like.
Being a complainant is one thing. Being told to report to a police station as a suspect is another entirely, and most people will do a great deal to make that stop, including withdrawing something that was true.
It also splits your attention and your money at the point where you have least of both, moves the conversation from what he did to what you did, and gives relatives who wanted this settled quietly a reason to say that both sides are as bad as each other.
What to do
- Do not withdraw your complaint. Not to make this go away, not as part of a deal, not because somebody has suggested that both matters can be dropped together. That is the entire objective and agreeing to it usually ends worse than refusing.
- Get a lawyer immediately. Today rather than next week. If cost is the obstacle, the free routes exist for exactly this.
- Do not go to a police station alone. Take a lawyer, or somebody from an organisation, or at minimum a relative. This matters more here than at any other point.
- Do not make a statement without advice. You may be pressed to. A statement made under pressure, without advice, is the thing that causes the most damage later.
- Say nothing in writing to him. No messages, no replies, nothing however provoking. A single angry message becomes the centrepiece of his case.
- Write down everything about the counter-complaint. When it appeared, what is alleged, who is handling it, what was said to you. The timing is often the most useful fact you have.
- Keep going with your own matter. Protection order, maintenance, custody. Do not let it be paused while this is dealt with, because that is what the pause is for.
The specific ones
If it is theft: make a list of what you took and what it was, and be honest, including anything of his. A woman who took her own clothes, her documents and the children’s things is in a very different position from what is being alleged. Receipts and photographs help enormously, which is one of the reasons for photographing the house and its contents before anything happens.
If it is the children: get to a family lawyer immediately and consider applying for a custody order yourself rather than waiting. A parent who has been the primary carer, and who has gone to court herself, is in a far stronger position than one responding to an allegation. What custody involves sets out the principles.
If it is mental illness: do not accept an informal assessment arranged by his family. If there is a genuine question, it should be a proper independent one arranged through your lawyer. And a woman who is distressed after months of this is not a woman who is unwell.
If it is that you were violent: this is where your record and any medical evidence carry the most weight, because it becomes an argument about who did what to whom over time. The evidence that counts is the relevant reading, and a history of clinic attendances is very hard to answer.
The mediation offer that follows
Very often a proposal arrives shortly afterwards: both complaints are withdrawn, the family settles it, everybody moves on.
Consider it carefully rather than accepting it in the room. Understand that withdrawing a criminal complaint is generally hard to undo, that a signed settlement can be produced later as evidence that everything was resolved, and that agreeing under the threat of a counter-complaint is not really agreeing.
If there is going to be a settlement, it should be negotiated by a lawyer with the counter-complaint treated as what it is, rather than accepted as a genuine grievance that has to be balanced against yours.
What this tells you
A counter-complaint appearing within days of your report is itself a fact worth noting, and lawyers and courts recognise the pattern. Its timing is frequently its weakness.
It also means the original complaint landed. Nobody constructs a response to something that was going nowhere. That is not much comfort at the time, and it is worth holding onto when the pressure to withdraw is at its highest.
What to expect at a police station generally is worth reading alongside this, particularly the parts about asking for the gender desk and about what is and is not a lawful response to a criminal complaint.
Questions people ask
He has reported me for theft. Should I withdraw my complaint to end it?
No. That is the purpose of the counter-complaint, and women who agree usually end up worse off, with their own matter gone and his still available. Get a lawyer and keep both running.
The police have asked me to come in. Do I have to go alone?
You should not. Take a lawyer, or somebody from an organisation, or at least a relative, and do not make a statement without advice however much you are pressed.
He says I abducted the children. Is that serious?
It is frightening and it is usually much weaker than it sounds where you are their mother and have been their primary carer. Get to a family lawyer immediately, and consider applying for custody yourself rather than only responding.
His family wants an assessment of my mental health. Should I agree?
Not one they arrange. If there is a genuine question it should be independent and arranged through your lawyer. Distress after months of this is not illness.
Both sides withdrawing sounds fair. Why not?
Because it treats a tactic as an equivalent grievance, withdrawing a criminal complaint is generally hard to undo, and a signed settlement can be produced later as proof that everything was resolved.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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