If I go, he will kill himself. And then it will be my fault, and his mother will say so, and the children will know.
This stops more women than the threat of violence does, because violence is something done to you and this is something you would have caused. It is also the threat people are least willing to talk about, because saying it out loud sounds like an accusation against a man who may be genuinely suffering.
Two things are true at once here and most advice picks one and drops the other. We are going to try to hold both.
The first thing that is true
You are not responsible for another adult’s life, and you cannot be.
Not because his distress is fake — it may be entirely real — but because responsibility does not work that way. If it did, every person in the world could be held in place by anybody willing to say those words, and no relationship anybody ever left would be legitimate.
A person who tells you that your leaving will kill them is describing a consequence you are not able to control. You can be kind about it, you can get help involved, and you cannot prevent it by staying, because staying does not treat the underlying thing.
The second thing that is true
It is sometimes real, and it must not be dismissed.
Some men who say this mean it. Some have attempted it. And — this is the part that gets left out of reassuring advice — threats of suicide at the point of separation are one of the recognised markers of increased danger, including danger to the woman and the children.
That combination, a man who says he cannot live without you and is losing control of the situation, is taken seriously by everybody who works in this field. It is not a reason to stay. It is a reason to plan more carefully and to tell somebody.
How to tell what you are dealing with
You cannot be sure, and there are patterns worth knowing.
It looks more like control when: it appears only when you are pulling away, and stops when you comply. It is announced rather than acted on, often in front of you specifically. It comes with instructions about what you must do to prevent it. He is fine an hour later. It is mentioned to your relatives to bring pressure. And it sits alongside other control — money, phone, movements — rather than alone.
It looks more like genuine risk when: there are real attempts, not only statements. He is giving things away or putting affairs in order. There is heavy drinking or drug use alongside it. He has access to means and has mentioned them specifically. He has a history of mental illness, or a recent loss, diagnosis or job loss. He is not asking you for anything with it.
The two overlap. A man can be both manipulating you and genuinely at risk, and that is a common combination rather than a contradiction.
What to do
- Do not agree to be his safety plan. This is the important one. You cannot be the thing standing between somebody and their own life; it is not a role a person can hold, and holding it is what the threat is designed to achieve.
- Get somebody else involved, and tell him you are doing it. His doctor, his family, a friend of his, a religious leader he respects. Not as a betrayal — say plainly that you are worried and that he needs somebody who is not you.
- If he says it while you are there and you believe he means it now, call 112 or get him to a hospital. Then step back and let other people take it.
- Do not manage it alone and privately for years. That is the situation most women in this position are in, and it is unsustainable.
- Keep your own plan. Do not dismantle it because of this. A plan costs nothing if it is never used.
- Tell one person the whole truth, including how frightened you are of being blamed. That fear is doing a great deal of the work and it shrinks when it is said out loud.
Leaving when this is in the picture
Because the risk to you goes up at separation when this is present, a few things are worth doing differently.
Do not announce it in a conversation. Women are frequently advised to be honest and direct, and where suicide threats are involved that conversation is the moment things escalate. The article on leaving covers the wider point, which is that the day of leaving is the most dangerous day.
Tell somebody in advance who can check on him afterwards, so that his welfare is covered by a person who is not you. Arrange contact through a third party rather than directly. Expect a period of intense messaging, and decide in advance who reads it — some women have a friend screen it, which is a reasonable arrangement rather than a cold one.
And take seriously any shift from “I will hurt myself” to “we would both be better off” or anything mentioning the children. That change of wording is significant and it is worth telling somebody immediately.
If the worst happens
Very rarely, it does, and women in that position are left carrying something they should not be carrying alone.
It was not caused by you. A person’s decision to end their life belongs to a great many things — illness, circumstance, what was and was not treated — and not to somebody else’s decision to be safe. You are permitted to grieve him and to have been right to leave, at the same time.
Expect blame from some quarters anyway, and get proper support rather than absorbing it. This is one of the situations where counselling is not optional in any real sense.
What we can do
Talk it through without telling you that he does not mean it and without telling you that you must stay. Help you work out who else can be brought in for him. Plan a departure that accounts for the raised risk. And counselling for you, because carrying this quietly for years is its own injury.
If you are worried about him right now, 112 and a hospital are the immediate answers, and which number does what is set out separately. Then ring us about the rest of it.
Questions people ask
If he does it, will it be my fault?
No. You cannot be responsible for another adult’s life, and staying does not treat whatever is actually wrong. You can be kind, you can get help involved, and you cannot prevent it by remaining.
How do I know whether he means it?
You cannot be certain. It looks more like control when it appears only as you pull away and stops when you comply. It looks more like real risk when there are attempts rather than statements, means have been mentioned, or there is heavy drinking alongside it. Both can be true at once.
Should I stay until he is more stable?
That is the arrangement the threat is designed to produce, and it has no end point. Get other people involved in his welfare instead, and keep your own plan.
He says it in front of the children. What do I do?
Treat it as serious, both for them and for you. Children should not be made responsible for an adult’s survival either. Get somebody else involved and tell a professional what is being said in front of them.
He has started saying we would both be better off. Is that different?
Yes, and significantly. A shift from harming himself to including you or the children is a recognised warning sign. Tell somebody immediately and treat your own safety planning as urgent.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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