You hear it. Most weeks, or some weeks, through a wall or across a compound. Shouting, then something else, then a child crying, then quiet.
And then the ordinary paralysis: it is not your business, you might be wrong, you have to live next to these people, and what if it makes it worse.
Neighbours interrupt more incidents than any organisation does, and most of them never know they helped.
While it is happening
The most effective thing available to anybody is also the simplest: make your presence known without confronting anybody.
Knock on the gate and ask to borrow something. Call out that you need help with a bag. Ring the doorbell and step back. Switch on an outside light. Bang a pot in your own yard. Call his phone and ask an ordinary question.
Any of these stops a great many incidents, and it works because it introduces a witness without creating a challenge. A man who is losing control frequently regains it instantly when a neighbour appears, which is itself worth noticing.
Do not go in. Do not stand between them, and do not confront him. You are likely to be hurt, and she is the one who will be punished for it afterwards.
Call 112 if it is serious. If you hear a weapon mentioned, sustained screaming, a child in danger, or it goes suddenly and completely quiet after something bad, call. Give the address first and say it twice, then what you can hear. You do not need to be certain, and you do not need to give your name if you would rather not.
Afterwards
The day after matters more than most people realise, and it is where the relationship that eventually helps her gets built.
Speak to her alone. Not at the gate where anybody can see, and not in front of him or his relatives. At the tap, at the market, on the way to school.
Say one thing. Something plain that does not require an answer. “I heard shouting last night. I am not judging anybody. If you ever need to come into my house, the door is open.” Then stop talking.
Accept whatever she says. She will very likely say it was nothing. Do not argue. “Alright. The offer stands.” That sentence is the whole intervention and it will be remembered for years.
Do not tell the compound. This is the fastest way to make things worse. It gets back, and she pays for it. Not the friendly neighbour who would never repeat it, not the landlord, not your own spouse if they cannot keep it.
The sentences that close this down are worth reading, because several of them are the natural neighbourly response.
The specific things a neighbour can offer
Neighbours can do things no service can, because you are already there and already ordinary.
- A door that opens. Say explicitly that she can come in, at any hour, with the children, without explaining. Very few people ever say this out loud.
- A phone. Many women have no private way to call anybody.
- Somewhere for the children to go. Tell her, and if you can, tell the children directly: if there is shouting, come here.
- Holding a bag. Documents, a change of clothes, a little money. She cannot keep these at home and this removes the largest single obstacle to leaving quickly.
- An agreed signal. A word she can say across the fence, or a light, or a curtain. Attached to one instruction you carry out without asking questions — how to set that up takes five minutes.
- A record. Dates and times of what you heard, written down. A neighbour’s contemporaneous note is unusually persuasive because you have nothing to gain, and it is frequently the only independent evidence that exists.
The worries that stop people
“What if I am wrong?” Then you were a neighbour who offered to help and nothing came of it. The cost of being wrong is a slightly awkward conversation. The cost of saying nothing can be very large.
“It is a family matter.” Assault is a crime, and it does not become a private matter because the people involved are married. Ordinary marital argument, on the other hand, is genuinely not your business, and the difference is usually audible: fear, one-sidedness, and something that only ever runs in one direction.
“He is dangerous and I have to live here.” A real consideration. It is why the recommended actions are indirect ones — a knock, a light, a call to 112 without giving your name. You do not have to confront anybody to be useful.
“She will not thank me.” Probably not, and she will remember it. Women describe years later, in detail, the neighbour who knocked.
“The police will not do anything.” Sometimes true, and a logged call still creates a dated record, which matters enormously later. What each number is for is set out separately.
If children are involved
This changes the calculation and it is worth being clear about.
If you hear a child being hurt, or a child is left alone, or a child comes to your door frightened, act. Take them in, call 112 if it is serious, and do not send them back into it while it is happening.
Children who know there is one house they can go to are safer than children who do not, and telling them so directly is one of the more useful things a neighbour can do.
If it stops
It often goes quiet for a while, and that does not necessarily mean anything is resolved.
Keep the offer alive without repeating it constantly. An occasional ordinary greeting, and the fact that you were the person who knocked, is enough for her to know where to go.
And if she leaves and later goes back, treat that as the normal stage it is rather than a reason to stop. The neighbour who is still there after the third time is frequently the one who matters.
Questions people ask
What is the single most effective thing I can do?
Make your presence known without confronting anybody. Knock and ask to borrow something, put an outside light on, ring the bell and step back. It stops a great many incidents because it adds a witness without creating a challenge.
Should I go in and stop it?
No. You are likely to be hurt, and she is the one who will be punished afterwards. Indirect interruption is both safer and more effective.
Should I call the police if I am not sure?
Yes, if you hear a weapon mentioned, sustained screaming, a child in danger, or sudden complete silence after something bad. Give the address first and twice. You do not have to be certain and you do not have to give your name.
What do I say to her the next day?
One plain sentence, alone, that needs no answer. “I heard shouting. I am not judging anybody. If you ever need to come into my house, the door is open.” Then accept whatever she says.
Should I tell the other neighbours or the landlord?
No. It gets back to him and she pays for it. Keep it to yourself, including from the neighbour who would never repeat it.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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