You did the frightening thing. You got them out. And within a few weeks one of them is telling you it is your fault, that they want to go home, that their father never did anything, and that you have ruined everything.
This is one of the most painful parts of the whole business and it is extremely common. It is also, in most cases, not what it appears to be.
Why it lands on you
You are the safe one. A child does not risk anger at somebody they are afraid of. They risk it with the parent they are certain will not leave, which is a backhanded compliment of the worst possible kind.
You are the one who changed things. Children experience the disruption, not the reasoning. What they know is that the house, the school, the room, the friends and the routine have gone, and that you are the person who did that. The years before are not weighed against it because children do not think in comparisons.
They may not have seen much. A great deal of it happened at night, behind a door, or while they were out. Children frequently know that something was wrong without having witnessed anything, and they fill the gap with what they can see now, which is loss.
They have been told things. Directly or otherwise. That you broke the family, that you took them away, that he is heartbroken. Even where nobody says it outright, the extended family’s mood carries the message.
Anger is easier than fear. Being angry at you feels manageable. Being frightened of their father, or grieving him, does not, and children route feelings towards whatever they can survive.
What it usually looks like by age
Small children regress. Bedwetting, clinginess, tantrums, wanting to be carried, refusing to sleep alone. They are not angry with you in any considered way; they are unsettled and it comes out as behaviour.
Primary age children ask directly and repeatedly why, and want to fix it. They frequently attempt to reunite the parents, and they take refusal personally.
Teenagers are the hardest. Contempt, withdrawal, comparisons, threats to go and live with him, and an accuracy about where to aim that is genuinely wounding. Some of it is ordinary adolescence arriving at the worst possible time.
The one who takes his side is the specific version parents find hardest. Frequently the eldest son, sometimes the child who was his favourite. That alignment is usually about self-protection rather than judgement, and it more often shifts than hardens.
What helps
Do not defend yourself with evidence. The instinct is to explain what he did, in detail, so they understand. It does not work and it costs you. Children asked to hold a case against their father generally protect him and resent the person who made them choose.
Take the anger without collapsing under it or fighting it. “I know you are angry with me. That is allowed. I am not going anywhere.” Repeated, calmly, over months. This is almost the whole intervention.
Do not run him down. This is difficult and it is worth it. Children hear criticism of a parent as criticism of themselves, and it drives them towards him. You can be truthful without being an advocate: “Some things that happened at home were not safe, and it was my job to make sure you were safe.”
Do not make them the judge. No asking them what they think should happen, no explaining the court case, no showing them messages. Children given adult decisions carry them for years.
Say the boring true thing often. They are not in trouble. It is not their fault. They are allowed to love their father. Adults are handling it.
Restore the routine before you try to restore the relationship. Same bedtime, same order of things, same person collecting them. Children stabilise on predictability, and the anger drops as the ground stops moving.
Give it time you have not budgeted for. This is measured in months and sometimes longer. The teenager who was contemptuous at fourteen frequently apologises at nineteen, and that is a real and common outcome.
The things that are hard to hear
“I want to go and live with my father.” Answer the feeling rather than the sentence. “I know you miss him.” Do not negotiate custody with a child, do not treat it as a decision, and do not react as though it were a betrayal.
“He never did anything to me.” That may be true and it does not have to be argued with. “I know he loves you” costs you nothing and closes nothing off.
“You are the reason we have nothing now.” The honest answer is usually the best one: “Money is hard at the moment. I am working on it. It is not your worry.”
Contact with him
Where contact is happening, expect the return to be the worst part of the week. Children are frequently unsettled, angry or withdrawn for a day or two afterwards, and it does not necessarily mean anything is wrong at his end.
Do not question them about the visit. Do not send messages through them. Do not ask what he said about you. Being used as a channel is one of the more damaging things that happens to children in this situation, and it is easy to do without noticing.
Where a child comes back frightened, or with things that worry you, write it down with the date and raise it with a lawyer rather than with him. How contact and custody are decided is set out separately.
Looking after yourself in it
This is the thing that hurts most, because you did it for them and they are furious about it, and there is nobody to say otherwise at eleven at night.
Do not seek the reassurance from the child. Get it somewhere else — a counsellor, a friend, another woman who has been through it. Asking a twelve-year-old to confirm you did the right thing puts a weight on them they cannot carry, and it will not settle you anyway.
Your own reaction to the first months is worth reading, since it is very difficult to absorb a child’s anger while not sleeping.
When to get help
If a child is not improving after several months, is frightened during the day, is being violent, has stopped eating, is not going to school, or says anything about not wanting to be here — get somebody involved.
Counselling for children is one of our six programmes and it is separate from counselling for women, deliberately. Children generally respond faster than adults do, which remains one of the few genuinely hopeful facts in this subject.
Questions people ask
Why is my child angry with me and not with him?
Because you are the safe one to be angry with, and because children experience the disruption rather than the reasoning. It is a backhanded compliment of the worst kind and it is very common.
Should I tell them what he actually did?
No, not as evidence. Children asked to hold a case against their father generally protect him and resent whoever made them choose. “Some things at home were not safe and it was my job to keep you safe” is enough.
My son says he wants to live with his father. What do I say?
Answer the feeling, not the sentence. “I know you miss him.” Do not negotiate custody with a child, do not treat it as a decision, and try not to hear it as a betrayal.
They are unsettled every time they come back from seeing him. Is something wrong?
Often not — the transition itself is the hardest part of the week. Do not question them about the visit or send messages through them. If a child returns frightened, write it down with the date and raise it with a lawyer.
How long does this last?
Months, and sometimes longer. It eases fastest when the routine is predictable. Teenagers who were contemptuous at fourteen frequently apologise at nineteen, and that is a common outcome rather than a hope.
If you need help now
If you are in immediate danger, call 112. To talk to HealBridge, call or send a message to +2348025170267, or use the form on our contact page. Every page on this site has a Quick Exit button at the top right, and pressing the letter E three times does the same thing.
Before you rely on anything on this page
We publish these articles so that you can understand a subject and work out what to ask for. They are written carefully and in good faith. They are still general information about how things usually work, and not advice about your situation, which we do not know.
- This is not legal advice.
- We are not a law firm. Criminal law in Nigeria is largely a state matter, the VAPP Act applies in a state only if that state adopted it, and statutory, customary and Islamic marriages are governed by different law and different courts. Two people with the same facts can have genuinely different options. Get advice from a lawyer who practises where you live — and if cost is the obstacle, ask us, because arranging that is part of what we do.
- This is not medical advice.
- Nothing here is a diagnosis and nothing here replaces being examined. Do not delay seeing a doctor, nurse or pharmacist because of something you read here, and do not start, stop or change any treatment on the strength of it. If something is time critical, go and be seen.
- This is not counselling, and it is not financial advice.
- Articles about trauma, sleep, money, debt, renting or starting a business describe what commonly helps. They are not therapy and they are not a recommendation about your own money. Speak to a counsellor, a qualified adviser or your own bank about your circumstances.
- It may be out of date, or wrong for where you are.
- Law changes, services close, numbers stop answering and practice varies by state. We correct what we find, and we cannot promise that every page is current on the day you read it. Where we do not have something confirmed, we say so rather than fill the gap.
- Reading this does not make us your lawyer or your doctor.
- No professional relationship is created by reading an article, and we cannot accept liability for decisions taken on the strength of one. What we can do is help you reach somebody who is qualified to advise you, which is what the legal and health parts of our work exist for.
- We cannot promise an outcome, and we cannot make anybody safe.
- A protection order is a piece of paper backed by an enforcement system that is inconsistent. A plan works until the day it does not. Anybody in this field promising safety is selling something, and the promise itself is dangerous because it stops people planning.
Do not let this notice stop you acting. If you are in immediate danger, call 112. If something is medically urgent, go to a hospital — you do not need a police report to be treated. And if you do not know where to start, that is a normal way to begin: use the contact page and we will take it from there.
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